1. Accuse him of stealing your lipstick.
2. Do a 24-hour Dixie Chicks karaoke session in the living room.
3. Tell him the quickest way to drive to work.
4. Style his hair for him; just like Derek Zoolander.
5. After the gym, ask him if he is losing weight.
6. Ask him if his shirt comes in a man’s size.
7. With earnest, tell him that his fart smells like skittles and if he could do it again.
8. Tell him that you got your ex-boyfriend’s face tattooed on your lower back to remind you of good times and youth.
9. Buy a teacup pig with a bunch of outfits and ask if he would put the too-too and rhinestone-collar on your new little darling.
10. Ask him where you left your phone.
11. Spend 45 minutes talking to him very urgently about something “very important” but do not make a point.
12. Steal the remotes and put them in your jewelry box.
13. Block all channels except Food network and Lifetime (important: put parental controls on all sports channels).
14. Change car seat setting and put seat warmers on high (during summer).
15. Clear the pantry and buy only raw vegetables.
16. After every sentence he speaks, say “that’s not true.”
17. Tell them that they need to pick up a new more positive hobby, such as Needlepoint.
18. Hack fantasy football to make sure that you always win. #WinAtAllSports
19. For the next big game, invite all your girlfriends over and cheer loudly for a team that isn’t playing- think sorority girls decibel level of cheering.
20. “Nice Dad Bod… goes with the jeans that you’re wearing.”
21. Take his credit card and max it out on a new eye shadow.
22. Delete his Facebook and make it a Relationship Page instead and write a message to all his friends to direct all messages there.
23. Send him a new selfie every five minutes and post it on his Facebook page.
24. “Baby, my grandma gets ready faster than you.”
25. Ask for a list of all the things that you love about me and recite them to me every morning.