I Can’t Help But Wonder What It Would Be Like If We Were Still Together

Ben Blennerhassett

I kept asking myself over and over again since the day we broke up, “If I held on to you that night, would you still be happy?” I know breaking up with you was uncalled for because we almost had that perfect relationship, except that distance was on the way. And no, we didn’t break up because we were miles away from each other and we’d only get to see each other face to face on our laptop screens. And believe me when I say this, it was never about trust because I’ve always put my trust in you and I knew that you were always honest with me.

Ironically it was all about honesty. And you wouldn’t believe me when I say that I’ve always had a love hate relationship with your honesty and it has put me through so much pain. I hated the way you told me that you were having such a great time with your ex at work, although she’s supposedly your “ex”, you could never deny the fact that feelings may change because you were constantly spending time with her and I was just there on our free time, trying to make things work despite the distance. I hated the way the corners of your lips tugged into a smile as you mention the highlights of your day with her mostly in it. I hated the way honesty worked in general.

You never lied to me and always told me the truth despite how ugly it is. You never really sugarcoated anything and that’s how transparent we were with each other. And I guess I just saw how happy you were with her and I couldn’t deny the fact that I couldn’t give you the same happiness because I wasn’t physically there. I couldn’t give you the same rush and excitement a normal relationship could. And I hated that.

I could still remember the times when we’d stay up all night chatting away because we couldn’t sleep. I remember the surprise visits. I remember the few moments we shared in each others company. I remember the times we’d laugh our hearts out randomly. I remember the pointless quarrels we had. I remember comforting silence we shared over the phone. I remember saying “I love you” a couple more times than normal. I remember sharing details about our happy crushes and how you told me not to worry because you’d still choose me. I remember the way you kissed my forehead whenever you had to go back and I would not see you for months. I remember the day our communication was dying down. I remember the “I’ll talk to you tomorrow because I’m so tired from work”. I remember the apologies we used to exchange. And I remember the day I told you that if you were happy with her at the moment then I would choose to let you go.

And just like that, everything ended. I know you’re happy with her. I could see it in the way you smiled in your pictures. And sometimes I wonder, what would’ve happened if it was still us? Would our relationship be the same? Would you smile the same way like you did on your pictures with her, or would you be happier than you are now? Would you still have that “I love you more” battle with me over the phone? Would you still randomly ask me if I liked coffee more than tea?

For a while I hated myself. I couldn’t help but question the things I did to make you look the other way. Yes, it did leave me broken and irreparable. You left me stranded with all the happy moments we shared together and I couldn’t get over it. You were a huge part of my life for so long and I didn’t know how to let you go. And the worse part is, I could never hate you for hurting me this way because it was inevitable. I couldn’t hate you for loving someone else because she made you feel safe and satisfied. And that’s it, I hated the fact that I couldn’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. I could never hate you for leaving me because I couldn’t forgive myself if I held you back from your happiness. But I will promise you this, I’ll find someone who appreciates me for everything someone else took for granted. I’m going to find someone who’ll make me happy, someone who makes me feel exceptional, and someone who will stand by my side. I’m going to find someone who will bring out the best in me, someone who does not only hug me on my best days but someone who will pick me up on my worse. And I won’t hate you because hate is just another form of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore.

You were slowly moving on, and now I realized that I should start moving on as well. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Sillimanian. I’ve got room for one more troubled soul. Est. 1997

Keep up with Leah on Instagram

More From Thought Catalog