What It’s Like To Have Relationships When Your Father Sexually Abused You
By Leah Marks
You trust everyone or you trust no one.
You share your deepest and darkest secrets (as far as they are concerned) with even strangers on the street. You divulge information that most people never expect to hear. It creates an immediate bond with others (especially from their point of view) and allows y ou to keep the reality of your darkness away from them. Letting someone into a false depth of your soul is easy, but knowing how much you keep hidden , it’s easy to also be aware that anyone can hide their true self from you. This makes the a ct of taking trust for granted in relationships that much harder.
You are promiscuous or flinch at human contact.
Jumping from bed to bed at a certain point becomes your reality. You will chase sex and false emotions day in and day out in hopes of falling into something that’s real. Arms or a bed that can finally make you feel something. You mentally equate sex with love and so you continually fall further and further away from t he truth as you are constantly disappointed by your heart’s cold reactions to their touch and your stomach’s turning every time you get up to leave. You keep telling yourself that the next time it will be different… It never is… Because you haven’t learned that letting them into your bed isn’t the same as letting them in…
You long for a meaningful relationship where you are fully understood but then sabotage every real connection that gets too deep.
All you want is the reality of your ideal relationship. Someone who fully understands you and is open to what you perceive as a darkness inside of you. You long for it. You pray for it. You chase partners around like a n ice cream truck but really you want anything but ice cream…because anytime you are lucky enough to find someone who wants to open you up, you shut them down. You say and do anything to make them leave before they see the real you. The you who cries at night still, even though it’s been over 20 years. The you that doesn’t know how to accept gifts, because they feel so very unworthy. The you who doesn’t feel like they are ever going to be good at loving anyone.
You fall way too fast or never at all.
You pour out your everything in h opes of finding real love. Real, allconsuming, light shining into your dark corners kind of love…but you never let go of the ledge. You break your own heart over and over, but at this point you know that you will. You see it coming from the beginning…
Until you don’t….
Until you meet a man who’s patient… Who will wait for all of the dark parts of your soul, and instead of turning away, he will marvel at the masterpiece that you have become. He will show you his own darkness and you will shine light into each other. He will hold you when you cry, and never make you feel less than you are worth. He will never push you to be less than you are so that he can feel like more than he is. He will hold you while you go to dark places in your head, and always be waiting for you o n the other side.
You will see a new version of yourself in his eyes. The you that you have always longed to see looking back at you. He won’t fix you… He will show you that you are beautifully broken.