When I was broken, I spent more hours in my head turning over and over the alternate realities I could have lived in. Realities where my childhood wasn’t shattered by my father. Realities where I didn’t attend more schools than your average army brats. Where my scars were nonexistent and I fit in.
When I was broken, no one had to win my affections. I gave them away like the candy at the bottom of your purse. Candy that had been there too long. Worthless. That’s what I had been taught by him that I was worth. No one would ever want me unless I could give them something. Pieces of me that I gave away much too freely at the behest of anyone willing to turn their attentions my way.
When I was broken, I ran from everything that even hinted at commitment. Tying myself to another meant giving them a chance to break me all over again. To turn my broken pieces into dust. Then how would I ever mend myself?
When I was broken, I didn’t know what real love was. I imagined it was only in stories of good people who had never been bruised or beaten. Only hearts like those could know real love. I held onto the mylar representation of love handed out by so many who feigned emotions in exchange for intimacy.
I met you…now things are starting to make sense… When you showed me a new reality, I was whole in my brokenness. I didn’t need to pretend to be anything that I’m not. Every shattered part of my soul was beautiful and enough. You touched places of my heart that I had believed long gone and opened my eyes when I hadn’t even known I was blind. To experience colors in a world that was only gray…..that’s something no one else could ever give me.
When you showed me how much worth my love had, I began to see it not as worthless, but instead, treasured through your eyes. Where I saw irreparable wounds and deep cuts, you showed me beautiful scars that created a heart made for yours. In a world with you, they didn’t need to be made little of…for they were the parts that made me strong. I never knew strength in that way before you. When you wouldn’t give up on me, you told me, with and without words, that you would give anything for me. No man had ever put me ahead of themselves, but without delay, you opened my eyes to what “us” looked like.
You softly sang songs by The Beatles into my ears and I finally believed in something again. A something that I knew now would never walk away even when I tried to run. When you made me believe in love, it wasn’t with loud declarations that mean little. It was with a million tiny actions, words, and moments that finally started to make sense to my weary soul. You put the pieces of me back together, but not like new. No because new might be shiny. New was what I had always hoped for…but it took a heart made for mine to show me the beauty in my brokenness.