5 Reasons Why You Should Stop Telling Your Friend They’ll ‘Find Someone’

1. You saying ‘Oh, don’t worry, you’ll find someone!’ implies that your friend is constantly looking (and failing) for a new relationship.

I was at a funeral recently (A FUNERAL), when an old friend asked me where my boyfriend was. After I had explained that he was out there, somewhere, not being my boyfriend, she said, “don’t worry, you’ll find someone.” Briefly I was cajoled into believing that I wasn’t going to die alone. Then I remembered that I wasn’t looking for my someone, and I certainly wasn’t looking for my soul mate at a funeral.

Since my heart was broken, I have not been concerned with the search for true love. I have pieced my life back together. I have reassessed my priorities. I have delved into finding out what I want and how to get it. I am looking for purpose, and I have not failed.

2. Happiness isn’t permanent, whether or not you’re with someone.

I found someone. We created whole new realities that we lived together. We felt love. We found meaning together. Now we are separate. Does that mean that our time together was not worth while?

I refuse to believe that my previous relationships are just stepping stones on the path to “the one.” Time spent with someone you care about isn’t wasted just because you don’t spend the rest of your life with them. So, Stop. You are devaluing the time and energy I have put into my past partnerships.

3. You can find happiness without being in a relationship.

Do you care about my wellbeing or do you want me fit into society’s idea of being well adjusted? I tend to lose myself when I’m in a relationship. I devote my time to them, to us, and often end up trading independence for contentment.

I feel exuberant when I have time to spend on my own interests. I’m thrilled doing things on my own. I take risks. I feel happy and sometimes, yes, I feel lonely, but I know that those feelings are all my own. I don’t have to monitor my emotions. I don’t have to anticipate how my reactions will effect my partner. When I am happy I can truly experience that joy. I am not projecting. I am not dependent.

4. Relationships are not an indicator of success.

Some people’s five year plans include marriage. Mine does not. I don’t enter into relationships with a finish line in mind. I have no dreams of showing off my engagement ring like I have just won a congressional medal. I can’t be unsuccessful at an endeavor that I am not actually pursuing.

Relationships are complex. There are so many reasons to be with someone, and many reasons not to. Sometimes walking away from a relationship is the healthiest thing to do, the thing that is going to make you both more successful. Knowing when to let go: that is an accomplishment. Holding on because you think being a couple means that you’re an adult? That isn’t a marker of success. That is an obstacle to happiness.

5. You’re making it seem like you know what will make everyone else happy, when you might not.

It’s like your muting my half of the conversation. I’ve had it said to me after break ups, when what I really need is to talk about my pain and process. It’s been thrust in the midst of a discussion about how hard modern dating is. It has felt like a hand over my mouth as I try to explain how strong and content I am being alone.

As hokey as it may sound, I have found someone. I am finding parts of myself every day. You don’t need to tell me I will.