It’s been a while. We haven’t spoken to each other in over a year and I still continue to wonder about you: how you’re doing, if your mom is still happy and healthy and if your younger siblings are growing up into decent human beings.
I still wonder if someone new is making you smile, if you’re happy with your new job and if you’re wondering about me. I still wonder if you have the same feelings that you once exclaimed ten times a day. I still wonder what it would be like to see you and how I’d react if we ever crossed paths.
I still wonder if you’ve ever realized how much courage it took to text you “It’s over.”
I hated that you saw pleasure in my pain; I hated that you’d rather disrespect me than love me; and I hated that you saw me as a challenge to conquer rather than a person. Still, I was afraid to lose you. I was afraid that you would love another young woman more than you would ever love me. I was afraid that if I finally left, picked up my feet and walked away, you would forget me.
I wanted you so bad that it ached. My body felt incomplete without your presence, your touch, your voice.
Your words felt like sweet poison: delightful at first but left a foul taste in your mouth once digested. If you needed me, I would drop everything and rush to your aid; but if I needed you, I was left with unanswered texts and half-assed excuses. You were arrogant but it was masked as charming self-confidence. You frequently spoke out of turn, but never once did you apologize.
You made me believe I wasn’t good enough, strong enough, pretty, sexy or even fun enough and for that I thank you.
Through all the tears, I thank you. Through all the pain, I thank you. Through all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens, I thank you.
Thank you for showing me who you really were. Thank you for playing those games. Thank you for teaching me that I could have done better and will do better. Thank you for teaching me to love myself. Thank you for teaching me that love does not hurt.
Thank you for teaching me to get back to my old hobbies and my old ways. Thank you for teaching me to find the light that you once dimmed. Thank you for teaching me to search for a person’s true intentions. Thank you for teaching me that crying is healthy. Thank you for teaching me that I could bad all by myself. Thank you for being the best thing I never had.
I learned more about myself than you ever bothered to know but most importantly, I learned the value of my worth.