Ok I know what you must be thinking. How in the world could I possibly not know I was being abused as I covered up the bruises with makeup?
How could I think everything was just fine as I lay in bed with an ice pack on my stomach to ease the pain from the blows?
Well, want to know the answer? I did not know I was in abusive relationship because he just loved me soooooo much. Or at least that is what I thought.
I wish my story had a happier ending. Cheers coming from the imaginary crowd as I finally left my abuser. No, I was not a strong woman who took hold of her life and made a change. Truth is I did not know I had been abused until the day after HE left ME. Crazy right, that the abuser leaves the abused?
Now I must clarify, I am primarily a victim of emotional abuse. I was hit three times by my abuser but for three years I was emotionally abused. I was called ugly, stupid, slutty, and worthless on average once a day.
As I have been reading the story of ex-NFL player Ray Rice punching his then-fiancée, I want to share why I stayed. Now I do not know why she did, but I can speak for myself. I stayed because he loved me soooooo much. I stayed because he only called me slutty because I deserved it for cheating. OOOOH, the other C word. I cheated after one year of dating, for reasons that are irrelevant. The abuse, both physical and emotional, started after I admitted to cheating. So, do you understand yet why I stayed? I thought I deserved it.
I thought he deserved to call me every insulting name in the book because I had cheated on someone who did not deserve it. I thought about leaving, but I thought I owed him more. I convinced myself that he emotionally abused me because I had hurt him. I felt so guilty every day for hurting him that I assumed this was my punishment.
So I stayed with my abuser until the day he finally left for good. I wish I could say that I left him on my own, because I should. I wish I could say that I would have eventually left if he had never left me. Some nights, in the darkest part of my mind, I wish I was still with him. I stand strong behind the point that emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.
I mean, look at me, wishing I was still with my abuser some times? I believed he loved me and only hurt me because I hurt him. I did not realize until after he left that there is never an excuse for hurting people. They always say “hurt people, hurt people” but that does not make it right.
Listen to my story. Do not convince yourself you ever deserve to be hurt. Be stronger than I was, and remove the toxicity out of your life before it is too late.