Pre-Run

Okay so I probably should run today. But where is my IPod? How can I go on a run without the magic that is my IPod? I know it’s a #FirstWorldProblems, but how did people run without IPods? Found it! Thank Jesus.

Minutes 0-5

Let me just set my watch. And here we go. Okay this isn’t so bad. Why do I always dread this? Oh shit. I forgot my spandex. My thighs are going to turn into a forest fire. Holy crap why can’t my shorts just stay put? Okay if I put them like this maybe it will stay for like a couple of minutes. It’s real awkward when a car passes seeing me rearrange my shorts near my crotch. I wonder if they think there is something wrong with me? Like why is that girl messing with her crotch while running? I really need to run somewhere where no one can see me. Where would that be though, like a dungeon? I can’t do treadmills- that’s a fate worse than death itself. It feels like I’ve been running forever. Shit. It’s been three minutes. How do people do this for fun? Seriously people enjoy this. Cross-country runners eat this shit up. And those girls don’t even wear damn pants. How do they do that? Maybe because they’re so small? I would like to think if I had that body I would do the same. Or not. I don’t know. Do girls that size chafe? Probably not, lucky bitches. God I’m gonna be chaffed after this. Eff these shorts.

Minutes 5-10

Oh thank sweet baby Jesus it has been five minutes. I know that’s not a real milestone (or even a mile for that matter), but this is taking forever. It’s always darkest before the dawnnnnn. God Florence just gets me and my struggle. My. Thighs. Are. On. Fire. Okay, need to think of something else. Brainstorm some ideas. That dude looks suspicious. What if he came after me? I can’t run that fast. I know I’m on a run, but if he sprints at me there is only so long I can try to outrun him. I don’t even have my keys on me. Just my IPod, and my fists of furry. I could take him. Maybe. What if I saw a guy trying to rob a house? It’s broad daylight. It would be like Home Alone 3, I know that’s the worst one but like it applies. Would I try to stop them? I like to think so. Or I mean I could easily just pretend I saw nothing and hope for the best. Oh shit that dog scared me. Is he trying to dig under the fence? Holy crap he is trying to come after me. I’m not fast enough for this shit.

Minutes 10-15

I need to go slower. Oh. Man. Thank God that dog is gone. I love dogs but damn. I do wish I had one though. Like that one in the window that’s so well behaved and not chasing me.  He’s so cuteee. Maybe I could run with it, and it would give me more reasons to actually run.  I like to think it would make me run more. And I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more. But I wouldn’t run five hundred miles that’s for damn sure. If I ran more maybe I would be in better shape so that I wouldn’t hate it so much. But like I hate running. I feel like I am putting myself through torture every time I decide to run. Why do I do this to myself? Probably because I don’t have a gym membership. I would play in like some type of adult woman’s league for basketball, but I’m out of shape. Which brings me right back to running. Can’t I just magically be in High School shape again? Damn you four years of drinking and eating crap. I don’t regret my college choices; I just wish I were blessed with a better metabolism.

Minutes 15-20

I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to see fifteen minutes go by. That’s right Miley, I can’t stop and I won’t stop. Say what you want about her, but you can’t deny she makes great music for a run. Wait am I running for thirty minutes or forty? Am I really feeling that ambitious today?  I’ll decide at thirty. It is hot. I probably shouldn’t run at the hottest time of the day. But who in their right mind wants to wake up early to run? I just can’t do it man, I won’t. And who does it after dinner? Ah no thank you. My head is on fire. How do I even have this much hair? It’s so dark and thick and good God if I had the head for it I think I’d shave it. I just really have a weird shaped head. In high school my friend told me to shave it and just wear a wig because I complained so much about it. But a wig on this run sounds awful. They’re just as hot- if not more, and itchy, and no. I mean I like my hair but why is it so hot?

Minutes 20-25

Oh my God, this hill is a bitch. Do people like running hills? Or is this torture for everyone? How do people who live in the mountains run? Do they just hate their lives the whole time? Or do they just not run, because this sucks. And it’s like hardly a hill. I give props to those sick individuals who prefer to run hills. I don’t care I love it. No Icona Pop I hate it. Maybe I should listen to more pessimistic music while running? No, I probably wouldn’t run at all then. Yeah I’d stop and sit, and then walk the rest of the way. I could walk as a workout, but that doesn’t even feel like a real workout. And I need to workout if I want to get tacos later. Do it for the tacos. Do it for the tacos. I wonder what reasons other people run- probably to be healthy and shit. Or at least more decadent food than tacos, but I would do some messed up stuff for tacos.

Minutes 25-30

Twenty-five minutes! So close. I cannot wait until this hell is over. What was I thinking? “Oh it won’t be that bad” stupid. So dumb. I wonder if I pump my arms like this it will be easier. Nope, still sucks. Dad always told me I run wrong, how do you run wrong? Don’t you just go and do what feels natural? Maybe I wasn’t made to run. And every time I run the Universe is like “Yo why are you running? “ that’s why it sends dogs to attack me, and has my thighs chafe. That’s totally it. Maybe I just shouldn’t run anymore. I’m totally stopping at thirty minutes. I’m not trying to anger the Universe anymore than I already have. Plus it is hot. I am so sweaty. Is it healthy for someone to sweat this much? I don’t know how I haven’t dehydrated yet. I wonder if anyone else sweats this much. I wonder what people think when they meet me and I’m all sweaty. Crap it’s only twenty-eight. I totally thought it would be thirty. This sucks. I wonder if I didn’t use a watch how I would run. Would I give up after a couple minutes? Or would I run longer? Probably a couple of minutes, let’s be real. One minute, thirty seconds to go. These minutes are going slower than I run, which is real slow. I can’t wait to walk. I can’t wait to not be in motion anymore. And put some Vaseline on my chaffed thighs. I feel like a convicted felon who dreams about what they are going to do after they are free. It totally shouldn’t be this dramatic. Thirty seconds left. Oh my god speed up time. I know I shouldn’t just look at my watch but I have no self-control. Twenty seconds. We are farmers bum bah dum da dum dum dum. Almost done. Just a couple more seconds. A couple more steps. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, fiver, four, three, two, one. And doneeeee.

Post Run

Ah it feels so good to walk. My legs are sore, damn that hill. My feet are on fireeee. These black shoes might have been a mistake. I feel good, tired, and thirsty, but good. Maybe I should put on calmer music if I’m just walking. Yeah Sleigh Bells doesn’t really scream cool down walk. I can’t wait to get some water. Thank God I’m close to home. That wasn’t terrible. I don’t know why I was dreading it so much.