To feel empty or to feel nothing at all — which is better?
Life is in slow motion. There are no words to say, but I know it’s only the anxiety kicking in again. It’s the chill in my bones of feeling everything and nothing at the same time. It’s the struggle of wanting to feel wanted, to feel worthy in someone else’s eyes, but I isolate myself so I don’t get hurt again.
The highs and the lows don’t mean anything any more than what I feel every single day. Am I okay? Am I overthinking, or is the truth being twisted? So I’ve learned: that’s the danger of getting close to people, to have your lives overlap, and then to become strangers again. My thoughts reach out to them, but the distance only grows with each passing day.
I finally feel like I have survived the closest ones leaving, and I’ve learned to reminiscence and let go without ripping my heart out. It took a while, but I’ve stopped searching every crowd for people I don’t talk to anymore, hoping to catch a glance of familiarity and what happiness used to feel like. Now I focus on keeping my head up when I walk instead of staring at the ground lost in thought.
I stop trying to pull up old memories in my head just because they offer some degree of comfort—a comfort of what was and what will never be the same. That’s a part of the past, and the past isn’t now. It happened, it ended, life goes on, and that’s okay. Time takes care of the pain.
I’m healing now, so please don’t talk to me if you don’t mean it; I’d rather be filled with silence than lies. Please don’t pull me into your life just to let me down; I’d rather be alone.
Healing takes more strength than I have ever had, but that’s all that matters right now.