There are so many things people tell you about love: It’s amazing, it’s life-changing, it will make you smile till your cheeks fall off, it means constant foot rubs and flowers (ha, we wish). Really, love is a beautiful experience but over the years I have come to learn there are things about love they forgot to tell us. There are some things about love they left out, because once you fall in love…
1. You no longer know the meaning of a “good night’s sleep.”
Suddenly you have a new body pillow and this one snores, farts, and takes up the entire bed. You know those scenes in Grey’s Anatomy when Meredith is sleeping and McDreamy just sits there propped up watching her with his gorgeous eyes? Yeah, that is not how your nights will go. You are going to have to deal with constant kicking and shoving, having the covers taken from you, and someone rolling over to kiss you in the morning with the lovely mouth he has yet to brush.
2. You get fat.
OK, I guess we’ve all heard that you gain a few pounds when you fall in love, because you’re so blissfully happy and glowing. Well, no one told us that you ACTUALLY get fat because you have a partner now that likes to casually order a Big Mac for a pre-dinner snack. A friend who “benched 350” at the gym today and wants to reward himself with a gooey calzone. You now have someone who wants to take you out on dates, get the most fattening artery-clogging hamburger with fries, and make you so jealous you know you’re going to have to order it for yourself too. The irony of it all? One milk shake disappears with his young 6’2” male metabolism but is stuck on your thighs the next ten days.
3. You will learn how to have a relationship with video games, too.
I hate video games just as much as the next girl. Like come on, how can someone sit with their face glued to a screen for five hours on end, not doing anything productive with their life and enjoy it so much? Whether it’s NBA 2kWhatever, or FIFA, or my personal favorite COD, there will always be a male on your couch with his feet up on the table, Tostito crumbs in his lap, and a controller in his hand as he feverishly yells at the fictional meaningless game right in front of him. But one day you’re going to be so sick of watching him do it, you’ll try it and if you’re lucky you’ll actually like it. On that note, shout out to whoever created Call of Duty—absolute genius.
4. You become a kleptomaniac.
Suddenly your sweatshirt collection is a disgrace, uncomfortable and all around inferior to his. You find yourself stealing a sweatshirt every chance you get and “forgetting” to bring it back to him even though it’s his favorite Nike one or “the one he wore to all the football games in high school.” His sweatpants, even though they legitimately fall off of your waist, are cozier than any pair of black leggings you have scattered around your room. His new grey beanie, hair gel, and even Head and Shoulders shampoo will all be at the brim of your fingertips. And when you really fall in love, I mean deeply in love, even his toothbrush will be shared territory.
5. You start to follow accounts like “cute emergency” and “baby animals” on Instagram and Twitter just to tag him in them.
This is one I am personally guilty of in the worst way. You know that feeling though, when you see a picture of a squirrel feeding another squirrel and it reminds you of last week when he gave you some of his chips at Chipotle. When you see a little Yorkie puppy sleeping on another little Yorkie puppy and think “OH that is SO us.” If you haven’t already followed these accounts don’t worry—the time will come and you will hate yourself for it.
6. You become the psycho jealous girlfriend.
“Oh, but I’m not a jealous person,” well my friend give it some time for one pretty blonde girl to walk up to him in a bar, bat her long eyelashes and strike up a conversation with him; then tell me you aren’t the jealous type. But I don’t blame you! Suddenly you have this other person that you have given everything to, committed to and dedicated your time to—of course you don’t want anyone else taking that. Before you know it you find yourself being the girl that says, “Hmm, who ya texting?” in the least psycho way possible when his phone vibrates, the one who waits for him to take a shower so you can fish through his recent texts and calls, and the one who sees him wave to a girl and immediately wonders if they have a secret fling. You might not be the extreme crazy type that monitors his every move, but jealousy will come.
7. You will have the most ridiculous and irrational fights.
Arguments will range from “You didn’t give me a kiss goodbye” to “Please turn your f**$&%* music down,” and each one will be just as ridiculous as the next. The good thing about these ridiculous fights is that they only last between 3-5 minutes and occur maybe 4-5 times throughout the day depending on how long you’re together. Road trips are a major red zone—consider yourself warned. If you’re in love right now, you can expect to argue at least once about the following things: the toilet seat being left up, ESPN or Sex and the City, Burger King or McDonald’s, taking “the good pillow,” liking your ex’s Instagram photos, him being too honest when you ask “Does this shirt make me look fat?” and the always enjoyable “You’re too drunk, stop drinking” at a party argument.
However, despite everything I said above being in love IS amazing. So what if he snores? You probably do, too. Yeah, you gained a few pounds but he still looks at you every day and tells you you’re beautiful. Plus I guarantee when you tell him you think you’re fat, he’ll be the first person to tell you that you’re perfect at any size. Love is incredible and it’s even surreal at times. Enjoy the stupid arguments and every now and then let him keep the basketball game on till the end, even if you do miss the new episode of Scandal. Just enjoy being in love.
P.S. for those single girls that actually read this post, I hope the list above made you want to swan-dive into your clean unshared bed, throw on your own well-fitting sweatpants, and turn on Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies.”