Why do girls go to the bathroom in groups? Or at least pairs? Because it’s safe. Safety in numbers, people. It’s a thing. Did Hermione teach us nothing? You go alone, you run the risk of dying. Or, like, no toilet paper. Same difference.
Whether you’re at a bar, club, concert, or frat house, peril awaits you if you go alone. First of all, the obvious – you get separated from your friends. And depending on their (and your) level of drunkenness, you may not find each other again until you’re all huddled on the curb waiting for you Uber. Plus, if you’re separated from your friends, that leaves you vulnerable. You no longer have that one bitchy friend willing to push people out of your way or your foolproof wingwoman that gets you the guy you’ve been making eye-babies with all night. No, you’re left susceptible to run into that creepy guy you accidentally made out with one night that won’t stop Facebook messaging you or that one psycho bitch whose boyfriend you may or may not have hooked up with right before they started dating. And she knows. Oh, she definitely knows.
Getting to the bathroom is nothing, however, compared to the wait once you actually get there. If you think sober girls take a long time to go to the bathroom, wait ‘til you see the line outside of a bathroom on a party night. It’s like 4 A.M. on Black Friday outside of a Victoria Secret. Uggs everywhere, girls leaning on each other, on the walls, some crying, some fighting. World War III is about to break out if they don’t get through that door soon. And if you’re alone for this battle, it could get ugly fast. Who’s going to stop that girl from cutting in front of you in line if you’re by yourself? Lord knows you can’t do it. You’re six shots in and tottering on your heels as it is.
Once you actually get in to the bathroom, it’s a whole other battlefield. Finding a stall door that locks and has toilet paper? Keep dreamin’, honey. But that’s where your girlfriends come in handy. Without them who would stand guard and hold the door closed for you? We all know that once the vodka hits multitasking isn’t in our vocabulary anymore. Pee and hold the door closed? That’s like asking you to say the alphabet backwards. Is it even possible sober?
Toilet paper is its own mess of complications. It’s the ever elusive Holy Grail, especially if you’re at a frat house. You would think they don’t believe in the stuff, but the truth is they hide it. They know that after a certain point of alcohol consumption a line breaks and you will pee twenty times within the next hour. And because you’re all in groups the amount of toilet paper used is astronomical. This is where our inborn female sneakiness comes into play. One girl is bound to have toilet paper stashed in her boot (I’ve seen it happen), her purse, her bra, anywhere. It’s a survival instinct. We’re not boys. We can’t just “shake” and go. Usually there’s one designated girl in the friend group with the supply ready. If you’re not with your friend group what are you supposed to do? Ask a girl you’ve never met before to share her stash? Granted, I have seen this happen. Many a friendship has started this way, but let’s be honest. They’re still the enemy, and you can’t enter that dangerous territory alone.
Keeping all of this in mind – ladies, next time you drunkenly decide you can brave this perilous trek alone…don’t. And fellas, next time you decide to complain about how long it takes or that the bathroom is a solitary place, remember – we are complex creatures. And while your battlezone is the bar or the football field or whatever (we don’t really understand you) ours is the bathroom and subsequently any other places with females.