Why does it always feel like I’m invisible lately? Why am I selflessly giving my heart to selfish people who won’t reciprocate the same gesture? Why do I fall so hard?
It’s frustrating to be willing to give so much to someone and not get an ounce of effort back in return. When this happens so much, we start to put the pieces together and find a common denominator, ourselves.
I’ve come to find that my brain has one too many tabs open at once. And my heart does, too. Lately though, it seems like they’re all related to the same simple search: “Why am I not good enough?”
Recently, I’ve been having dreams where I’m out of control of my surroundings. Whether I’m losing teeth, in the middle of the ocean with no life vest and sadly, being raped. Why am I having these dreams? After doing my own research and talking with some friends, it all came down to one problem. I felt rejected. I felt unheard. And I felt like I wasn’t good enough. If “When it rains it pours,” is the slogan, then I should be the new Morton salt girl.
On paper, I was set. I graduated from a great school, I had a job and an apartment in Philly. But in real life I was sinking, declining. I wasn’t well.
I fell into what I call a “pre-graduation” depression. And it was deep. I hit my own personal rock bottom at twenty-two years old, and it was a dark, deep, sticky hole that was lonely as hell and hard to get out of. I hated doing things I once loved to do.
Above all, I embarrassed myself a lot. I was in a place of chaos and turmoil, and in the midst of all of this, all I wanted was support. I wanted something to anchor me back down. I wanted a person. I didn’t want attention, I wanted love. I needed love. I have the best friends in the entire world, but there was a void. Looking back, I’m not sure how I thought this realistic. Did I think someone was going to fall from the sky and save me from myself?
So, anyone that came along, I would throw my heart to, as if they needed someone, too.
But they didn’t. I was vulnerable. Too vulnerable. Embarrassingly vulnerable. I lost sight of the once courageous, unfazed, independent boss bitch that I used to be. I stopped taking care of myself, and sadly stopped caring about others. I stopped writing. I stopped responding to texts, emails and calls (something I wouldn’t be caught dead doing). I felt like a part of me had died, and the viewing was every day.
Above all, I had no outlet. I didn’t know what to do with these feelings besides sulk in them, feel sorry for myself, or blame genetics and my environment.
One of my teachers once told me that if a baby isn’t loved enough it could die. Can you imagine if adults were that fragile?
Someone also once told me to give a piece of yourself to each person you meet. I did this and failed epically. I was giving all of myself to every person I met. Some cherished it. Some planted it in their souls and let it charge themselves so that they too could return the love to all around them. And unfortunately, some take it and throw it away without thinking twice. This message is for you: Think before you act.
“I’m not looking for a relationship but at the same time I wouldn’t stop it if I really wanted to commit to one,” you said to me.
I think that you thought this was a polite way to decline me. But it was a huge slap in the face. If you really wanted a relationship, you’d make it happen. Because I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t meet your standard. Bad timing is a terrible excuse to hurt someone with a willing heart.
I would’ve given you the shirt off my back. I would have spoiled you. I would have been there for you when you needed someone. The same way you weren’t there for me when I needed someone, or just wanted to talk on the phone.
If only there was insurance for the heart, so I could get time, money and makeup back for the days I wasted on you.
I hate to break it to you, dear. You had your chance and you blew it. And you may not realize it now. But when it happens to you, you will. And I’ll be long gone, honey.
You had one hell of a girl waiting to love you. And you let her go.