I “met” this guy on OkCupid on a Tuesday. You know, he seemed normal…normal enough. He didn’t say things like “You’re the peanut butter to my jelly” with a winky face under the “You Should Message Me If” section, nor did he have five numbers and three underscores in his username. Clearly, he was a winner…or at least intriguing enough to want to sit next to at a bar for an hour or so.
We were both busy until Friday, so we made plans for that night. My cynical, mass-holiday-hating mind (Except Halloween, I don’t hate you, Halloween.) didn’t even register that that Friday was the 14th until it was too late. I wondered if he realized, and if he did, what did that say about him? *skeptical eyes*
I want my experience to be the learning curve we all need to steer clear of first dates on Valentine’s Day. However, if you do choose, get forced, or ignorantly fall into this situation, there are a few things that can happen.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
You will undoubtedly run into Mike from work, who you, like, occasionally talk to but not really, and will have to awkwardly explain the status of the person you’re out with. Mike will think it’s your new boyfriend/girlfriend because, duh, it’s Valentine’s Day. Why would you go out with someone you don’t even know on Valentine’s Day?
OR your date will run into someone they know (probably someone really attractive) and not even introduce you to them because, well, you’re on a first date, they turned out to be an asshole, and they don’t wanna give out any “wrong” impressions.
Everyone (the bartender, waiter, busboy) will assume you’ve been together for years. They may may refer to your date as your “boyfriend/girlfriend” and it’ll be really uncomfortable considering you don’t even know if your date has the same TV preferences as you.
They’ll also assume you’re REALLY into the holiday. You’ll want to justify the whole situation to them but then realize nobody actually gives a shit. And if you’re not even that into the holiday when you are seriously dating someone, be prepared to feel extremely out of place.
Every place ever is doing Valentine’s specials. You need a reservation to go most places and even your favorite shitty dive bar that you thought would NOT be affected is packed with people who couldn’t get a last-minute dinner reservation next door.
Everything is more expensive and packaged together. I don’t want a seven course pre-fixed meal. I just want pizza.
You’ll definitely see at least 40 percent more people making out than you normally would. (and in New York City, that’s a lot) Be prepared to vomit watching 19-year-olds grope each other on the subway.
Expectations will never be met. Even normal first dates on regular days can be disappointing if they turn out to be a waste of time or they just flat out don’t go well. With the added pressure of Valentine’s Day, it’s basically guaranteed that it won’t be as great as you pictured in your mind.
If your date doesn’t go that well, the whole scene of couples everywhere might just bum you out and you realize you probably should have just gone out with other single friends.
On your walk home, you’ll see your ex boyfriend with his new girlfriend. Cool. Great. Thanks, Universe. GLAD YOU GUYS ARE HAPPY.
And this is why you should have stayed home watching puppy videos.