You Were Only My Almost, But I Still Miss You

I don’t know how to feel right now. Numb. Upset. At a loss for words. Yet somehow wanting to put the words onto paper as to not forget how I felt in this moment. Goodbye, almost lover. Maybe I liked you more than I thought I did; or more than I cared to admit. Hell, I actually caught myself bragging about how great you are on numerous occasions. As much as I tried to pull myself away from you in fear of getting too close, I opened myself up more than you or I may have realized at the time.

You were a breath of fresh air. A delight to be around. Someone who had their shit together and seemed to be on a similar page in life. Being around you was unlike being around anyone else I’ve experienced. I’m not saying that you were the have all be all, you were just different. Special. You showed me qualities that I hope to find in “my person.” For a brief moment in time, I began to wonder if you were my person. You came into my life and filled a void. Made me forget. Made me look forward to the future. To the next day. To a bright life ahead. Thank you for being you and for giving me hope during a time when I may have needed it most; despite not being ready for me, or anyone for that matter. I wasn’t ready either, which I confessed to you and remind myself constantly. But saying goodbye to you makes me question those remarks.

Maybe a part of me was ready. Maybe I did see a future with you. A future I was too afraid to tell you about. I’m not used to rejection. It’s not a good feeling. Did I do something wrong? Should I have been less intoxicated around you? Thought twice before I tagged you in that photo on Instagram? Held back from baking you cookies when your mom unexpectedly went into the hospital? Almost love makes you do crazy things.

I’m really going to miss you. I’ll miss your cozy apartment with your comfy leather couch. I’ll miss the way you like to bury yourself in soft blankets (and sometimes me) as if an outside world doesn’t exist; only us in a cozy cave. I’ll miss romantic dinners with Frank Sinatra playing in the background. God, you were so classic. I’ll miss waiting on one another to continue our shows (how am I supposed to watch Bloodline without you?) I’ll miss walking to the busway together and riding into the city. I always loved that we both worked downtown. It made me feel as though our lives were intertwined. Yeah, I’m going to miss you. When I see you out, which I will, we’ll both say hi. It will be weird at first and I know I’ll notice the twinkle in your eye and fall for you all over again. But I’ll pull myself together and walk the other direction. Because that’s what strong, independent women (who don’t need no man) do. Right? I’m really going to miss you.

I leave off with a quote from Fine Frenzy’s “Almost Lover,” which is almost too relatable to bear in this moment.

“So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you.
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do.”