I recently found out the guy I’m…I was seeing has been chirping about telling our mutual friends that I’m ‘so much more into it’ than he is. WRONG. In order to set things straight, I made this extremely honest list of just how many other things I would rather do than spend time with him.
1. I would rather paint my toenails. After a quick base coat, I would spend my sweet lovely time (not being spent with you) painting each nail a different colour, so that my foot looks like a mini rainbow, because who doesn’t like rainbows? I would top it all off with a top coat (pun intended) and spend the rest of my night watching the paint dry on my adorable feet. Watching paint dry is more fun.
2. I would rather go on a long run. The longest run I’ve ever been on. I would run right past your house, twice, maybe three times, not once stopping in. Sorry, I just have too much running to do. You get it though right? You always have ‘too much laundry to do.’
3. I would rather spy on my cat for a whole day. I would watch her every move and study it. I would make notes and then write a short story about her day. It wouldn’t be that interesting but let’s face it, it would interest me more than you would.
4. I would rather spend my life trying, and only maybe succeeding, at having sex with Abercrombie models. I would spend my paychecks entirely on the overpriced horrible cologne soaked clothes in there, hoping, eventually, one of the models working would notice me, ask me out and we’d have sex. Sweeeettttt way to spend my time.
5. I would rather eat an entire pizza on my own while watching Gilmore Girls. I would rather fake marry Luke, than really marry you.
6. I would rather cut my own bangs, cry about it after, and then be too busy ‘letting my bangs grow out, sorry (not sorry).’
7. I would rather tell you I’m going to a good friend’s birthday bash but actually just stay in bed and fall asleep at 7pm. That way I’d wake up feeling refreshed and ready to ignore you again!
8. I’d rather ask every other person in my phone to grab chicken wings and beer. I would take each and every person who responded with a ‘yes,’ up on their offer slowly over the week. That way I could try every flavor on the menu (there’s over 50 at Wild Wings) and best yet, I would get to eat chicken wings all week. Plus how fun would it be to send you a sorry ‘too busy eating chicken wings,’ text and actually mean it. Eating chicken wings keeps me busy.
9. I would rather shave my legs, then take my time moisturizing them. They’d be smooth as a baby’s bottom – not that you would ever know it.
10. I would rather coat my split ends in a very very expensive hair mask that costs more than all the car parts you’ve ever bought combined. I will wrap myself up in the fuzziest of robes and watch American Idol with my family and make a sign for my favourite contestant all while the hair mask soaks in.
11. I would rather drink wine with my mom and let her talk to me about her divorce alllll niiighhttt longggg.
12. I would rather answer all telemarketers calls and say yes to their ‘it’ll only take ten minutes but actually takes an hour’ surveys.
13. I would rather go to the mall and spend an entire afternoon trying on beautiful clothes that I will never buy. I could try on pants too small and shirts too big, but they’d still be a better fit for me than you.
14. I would rather go to an all you can eat Chinese food buffet and test just how serious they take their ‘all you can eat’ catch phrase.
15. LOL I would rather do anything than hang out with you.