For most days out of the year, “I have the flu” is a safe go-to. If you’re planning on calling in sick after inhaling too many Irish Car bombs and a truck load of green beer, there are a couple of things you need to do to prevent your boss from sniffing out your bullsh*t.
To start, try to cough and sneeze a couple times the day before you call in, that way, just in case you can’t think of a better excuse than ‘I have the flu’ in your hungover state (it happens), this lame ass excuse is much more believable. Next, do not discuss your drinking and partying plans for later that night with anyone. I mean Mel Lastman level of serious when I say ‘NO BOODDDDDYY,’ even your work BFF, because nobody is above throwing you under the bus for some brownie points. Lastly, and arguably most important in this day and age, AVOID ALL CAMERAS!
Seriously, if you see a flash, run like it’s a tsunami coming directly in your direction! We all know if you don’t, your drunken green painted face will be posted ALL over Facebook and Instagram the next morning by your thirsty to impress friend, Sally. Now that all those minor details are out of the way, you’re onto the last step – a hell of a good lie for why you “Just can’t make it to work today”. Here are 15 excuses for going in sick tomorrow that will surely work in your favor.
1. “I fell up my stairs and my shin may be broken,” Yeah, that’s right – you fell up your stairs. Your boss has to believe this. Why would you lie about something as embarrassing as falling up your stairs?
2. “I ate a pack of mentos before drinking a liter of coke with dinner and now I can’t do anything but lay in bed and cry in pain for the day.” Maybe you did it on purpose, ‘just for a second just to see how it feels,’ or maybe you put your brave face on for a stupid dare, or maybe, just maybe, you’re lying…but why would you do that?
3. “I have to take my grandma to an appointment at the hospital. She’s very sick.” Perfect, because who would joke about their grandma’s health? No one is that bad of a person. Right?
4. “A groundhog bit me last night and I may have rabies – actually, I need to go I’m foaming at the mouth.” Your boss will definitely believe you because it’s springtime and just like Kayne “comes alive in the night time,” groundhogs come alive in the springtime.
5. “I think I overdosed on House of Cards season’s 1, 2 & 3 and I need a day to recover/detox.” Netflix’s auto-play next episode made you do it.
6. “My dog is clearly having a mental breakdown so I can’t leave it home alone with all the sharp knives.” Dogs can have breakdowns. They have feeling too. So what?
7. “I’m locked in. You heard me. I’m locked in house. Actually, I think I just heard the locksmith ring the doorbell. I’ve got to run.” Since there’s nothing worse than paying a weird dude named Al $250 to let you into (or in your case, out of) your own house, your boss will feel sorry for you and let this slide.
8. “Sorry I didn’t call until mid-day! My cat unplugged my alarm clock. She’s a ginger, they have no souls.” Gingers man!
9. “I’m getting married today. It all happened quickly. I know 24 hours isn’t that long, but when you know, you know. Everyone loves a good love story, even your boss.
10. “My house is haunted and the ghost buster’s only open appointment was for today at noon.” You know what they say, if there’s something weird and it don’t look good. Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
11. “The person I’ve been dating for 4 years broke up with me I got bangs.” Nuff said.
12. “I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet.” Let the plumber cracks roll.
13. “I somehow ended up on a plane going to Mexico. Don’t know how, but it’s happening and I’m probably never coming back.” Can you say Guacamole?
14. “I have that disease where you have the hiccups forever – like for the rest of my life. I’ll never be able to work again.” Hey, you hated your job anyways. Two birds, one stone.
15. “I’m sorry but there’s no way I can come into work today because I’M IN JAIL.” Jail, drunk tank – same thing. Depending on how pints of Guinness you chugged, this may not be an excuse, but look on the bright side, at least you’re not at work.