A Goodbye Letter To My IUD

To my beloved IUD,

I’m so sorry I have to say goodbye. I wish you could stay, I really do. I promise it’s not you, it’s me. You’ve been great, really great actually. And you’ve done more for me than I could have ever asked for. But I have to let you go because… I have a new purpose now.

Our journey together began a little over 2 years ago. My gynecologist recommended I get to know you after I had so many issues with the pill. She said you would be low maintenance, have little to no side effects, and could easily be removed when I was ready to start a family. What could be better than that!

So I came back just a week later to have you inserted. I have to admit, this was a little more painful than I expected. I really should have listened to the doctor when she said I should take a few ibuprofen before the appointment. And it felt exactly like you would think inserting a tube into your uterus would feel. I screamed bloody murder and was immediately hit with intense cramping, dizziness, and nearly fainted in the poor nurse’s arms. Fortunately, a few graham crackers and a little apple juice brought me back to life, and I was on my way home with you.

The rest of the day I had mild cramps but by the next day, I was fine. And now, I was eager to try you out. Ya know, “for science.” Well lucky for me, I had a new boyfriend at the time so we were “trying it out” a lot. He was more nervous than I was, afraid he would knock you out of place or that it just wouldn’t feel right. I don’t know what I expected but you performed extremely well time after time after time after… okay, I’m sure you get the point, you were there. But not once has either of us ever felt you there, and you have always kept us baby free!

Then the best surprise came about a month later. To be honest, I hadn’t even noticed at first. For me, they were never that horrible to begin with, so it kind of just slipped my mind. It wasn’t until I went into the cabinet looking for my curling iron one day and I saw the box of tampons that it finally dawned on me: OH MY GOD, I’M LATE. I did what any other rational 24-year-old, fresh out of college would do: PANIC. I called my mom and then I called my boyfriend. They talked me down and once I could think with a clear mind I remembered something the gynecologist had said as I was leaving that appointment to have you inserted just a month before… with a hormonal IUD your periods might slow, lighten, or stop altogether.

And just like that, you had become the best thing that had ever happened to me. I would never have to worry about the headaches, bloating, cramping, or spotting again. I could do “anything” 😉 😉 I wanted during that otherwise blacklisted week of the month. But most importantly, I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO PAY FOR TAMPONS AGAIN. I couldn’t believe you had the power to stop the one thing I hated most about owning a vagina!

From then on it was pure bliss. It would be you and me forever. Together we could conquer any dick we wanted to (even though I ended up liking that same dick ever since). And that’s exactly what we’ve done for the last 2 years. Over those years I’ve told all the great things about you to just about anyone that would listen. I’ve told them about how quickly my body adjusted to you, how much I love not having to worry about taking a pill every day and of course how great it is to not get a period anymore. Many of my friends now have them too.

But now everything is different. I really don’t know how else to break it to you and I know I will probably regret this when I get my first period again but… you have to go. I’ve decided that since I have such healthy eggs and I don’t plan on using them anytime soon, that maybe someone else can get better use out of them. Maybe a nice couple who has tried conceiving on their own but has had no luck can use my eggs. Or maybe a wonderful gay couple can finally have the family they always dreamed of with my eggs. I know you were only doing your job but, I can’t donate my eggs with you in me.

I hope you understand that this decision has nothing to do with you. You’ve done everything you can and for that, I will always be grateful. I also hope that someday we can meet again when I’ve completed these donation cycles. Maybe for now you can help out another girl who is sick of buying tampons. In the end, I just hope you know that I will always come back to you because to me you were truly a blessing in a t-shaped, birth control disguise.