It’s not the lows that scare me, it’s the highs. It’s the feeling of being on top of the world but knowing that the higher you climb, the lower you fall. The highs are unpredictable, but the lows I know. I never know what can go wrong when I’m on a high, but I know what to expect when I’m in a low. The highs are still uncharted territory so I prefer the lows that keep me grounded.
My highs are reckless. I feel indestructible, so I act untouchable. Often times, after feeling so low, it’s like I take the high and I run with it. Instead of savoring the feeling of peace and serenity, I keep pushing it further and farther to feel taller and higher. I do things that I know aren’t sustainable, I feel things that I know will come and go. And all it means is that next time, I’m going to have to reach even higher to get the same satisfaction.
Always striving the be better and to do more on my highs make it feel like it’s not even me. It makes me do things that I don’t even want to do. In the end, I just end up stretching myself thin, I pull myself in a million different directions. I wear myself out trying to do too much, trying to feel new feels. And then slowly but surely, the low rolls in. And then it’s back to “normal” again.
The lows are consistent, they are a constant in my life. I know that my lows will always return and I always know how they will feel. Not only do I have a routine while I’m low, I even get an inspiration. My lows are when I create, my lows are when I feel the most in tune with myself. Sometimes I find myself riding out the lows for what they are, before trying to turn them around.
Maybe after so long of trying to fight the lows, but having them always return, has left me jaded. Maybe it’s that I’m finally seeing the world for what it is. Maybe I’ve seen too much bad to see the good anymore. Maybe I don’t know how to experience my highs in a healthy way. Maybe I don’t feel like I even deserve the highs.
Or maybe it’s that I’ve learned to appreciate and accept my lows. Maybe it’s that I’m no longer naive enough to believe that everything will always go my way. Maybe it’s that I’m always cautious, always preparing for the fall so that I can land on my feet this time. Maybe it’s that I know there is good, even in the lows, and that the good is still being alive to see another day.
And maybe I’ve learned that not everything is so black and white. Maybe it’s not that I prefer my lows, maybe it’s that my lows aren’t really that low and that my highs aren’t that high. Maybe the ebbs and the flows of my highs and my lows are exactly the balance I need.
Maybe it’s the thrill of the highs that keep me going, but the calm of the lows that keep me centered.