I Finally Understand Why You Had To Leave

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Soragrit Wongsa / Unsplash

I realize now that I was asking a lot of you. I wasn’t asking a lot in general, but for you, it was a lot. When we met, I was on the cusp of breaking through to my future life. To some that life may not sound like a whole lot but for me, it was all I wanted. I wanted to graduate, get a job, buy a house, get married, have a family, the whole nine. Sounds pretty vanilla, but that was my plan. It had always been my plan. So when we fell in love, I just assumed you would be the one by my side throughout that life. I never really questioned it because I knew in my head that it was what I wanted. And to be honest, I never really took the time to think about what it was that YOU wanted.

To me, it just seemed obvious. It was what my parents did. It was what all my friends were doing. It was all I wanted. But now I see all the little hints you were giving. You were trying to tell me that you didn’t want those things. Maybe someday, but not now. But I was blinded by my own needs and my own dreams to see and hear what you were trying to say.

For you, that wasn’t a happy future. It was all way more than you had ever bargained for. You wanted something casual. Maybe get married someday, maybe not. Maybe have kids someday, but definitely not anytime soon.

In the beginning, these things seemed like something we could compromise on. Sure, I could wait to get married. Maybe living in an apartment for a while wouldn’t be so bad. After some time I started to think that I didn’t really want kids either. Little by little I was giving up parts of me to make myself fit better with you. I gave and I gave until there was nothing of me left. I had put everything I had always wanted aside, just to make things work with you.

It got to a point where I would look in the mirror and I couldn’t even recognize myself. I didn’t know what I wanted. The scariest part was that for some time, I was okay with this. I had convinced myself that this is just what people did. You make concessions for the person you love. You have to give up a little to get a little. But what I didn’t see then, that I see now, is that I had given up everything. My future had become everything that you wanted, but nothing that I wanted.

It turned me into a person even I couldn’t stand. And I resented you for turning me into this shell of a human that would never get to appreciate all the good there is in life. But after all the time and energy I had already committed to you, I just accepted that this was all there was for me.

Whether all this was your fault or not, I think you finally realized that I was trapped and desperately trying to stay afloat. I think you saw that I was drowning in my dreams of what could have been with someone that wasn’t you. And you knew that you would never be the person to give me the things I wanted. But at the same time, you knew it would crush me. You knew that I would never understand why.

But now I do understand. I get why you did what you did. It was cruel and it hurt but it was what I needed. I needed you to leave because I never would.

You leaving brought me the peace and serenity that I needed. I no longer felt the world crushing me as I saw a future ahead of me that I wanted no part of. You took away all the pressure I was feeling to settle with someone that wasn’t my forever. It gave me the freedom to find someone that wants all the same things I want in life. Now I see that what I want in life isn’t too much for the right person, it was just too much for you. In the end, you leaving turned into the happily ever after that I was dreaming of. TC mark

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