I wonder where you are now because I wonder if you’re any different. I wonder if you learned any lessons from the story of us that you wrote. I wonder if you’ve changed, if you’ve grown, if you’re a better man.
I hate that I still wonder but I do.
I wish I didn’t care at all what’s become of you. I wish that I could have run away and never looked back, but it’s not that simple. Though I’ve moved on, I just can’t help but go back to the times we had and analyze every moment. I just can’t accept that the way we played out was what you had intended. I can’t imagine that you were that intentionally malicious, that I would have spent all that time completely oblivious to your game.
Obviously, when I relive and rewatch those memories in my head, it all makes sense. But in the moment, you never gave me any inclination that you had another plan. You told me everything I wanted to hear and you played your cards right. Now I’m seeing that your poker face was better than I thought and you were keeping other cards in your pocket. It took a long time to understand what you did and how you did it. But now that I have come to terms with it, I still can’t let it go.
I wonder if you ever took the time the think about it all the way I did. Did you ever think about how you manipulated someone to the point of blind obedience? Did you ever think about how you broke down the confidence and pride of someone that had just spent years convincing herself she was worthy to be alive? Did you ever wonder why someone you treated so poorly stuck around for so long?
Did you learn anything from the time we spent together? Do you treat your new girlfriend that way too? I hope not for her sake. I hope you wouldn’t do to her what you did to me.
Because of what you did, you made falling in love again so hard. Because of you, I would second guess every little thing he told me. I would wonder if he’s just telling me what I wanted to hear because he would tell me a lot of the same things you did. Of course he said he was different… but so did you. I just couldn’t help but wonder if he was making a temporary home in my heart like you did.
To give him the benefit of the doubt, he really was different from the start. He opened up and actually let himself be vulnerable, something you never did. It has always felt like we each have an equal share at stake here. I know he’s got as much to lose as I do. But then that fear would come creeping in that I’m falling for the same trap that you had set. And I couldn’t imagine letting myself get carried away with him like I did with you.
But that wasn’t fair. Not fair to him, not fair to myself. Why should I have to worry about every new relationship just because you made a complete circus out of our time together?
And then I remember, he’s not you.
He’s nothing like you. He’s been nothing like you from the start. He’s here for reasons that are nothing like yours. He’s here to build a life together, not to rent space in my life like you did.