The thought of you used to be relentless. I would blast my music or constantly have the TV playing in the background to drown you out. Wake up at dawn but go back to bed to forget for a little longer. Fill my days with new hobbies and even endless errands, anything to not let my mind wander to the depths I had buried you in.
Eventually though you did start to fade. It was slow, like the waning of a new moon. At first there were just days, but then whole weeks that you remained in the shadows. In those times I felt like a sun that had been reborn after a cataclysmic explosion. So bright, so beautiful, so new. It was intoxicating to feel so strong, standing on my own again. Nothing could tear me down from the high I was on.
But then you did. And you always would.
Sometimes I could physically feel you creep in, all the way up my spine, and nuzzle your way into my thoughts. It would start as a passing reminder, like hearing a song we used to listen to or walking by the coffee shop we used to go to. And then, then it would turn into a flood. A deluge of memories, questions, and regret that I could fill a whole ocean with. But much like a wave in the sea, it would happen all at once and then disappear.
I let this happen a few times before I had to change my outlook on the way I thought of you. In those times that you did come crashing back into my life, I felt so disappointed. Like it was a weakness to let myself think of you. I thought that if I let you cross my mind, that it meant I wasn’t over you.
But then I realized something important about these ripples of emotions and I turned them from a negative to a positive.
I recognized that at least I am lucky I can still feel. So many become numb to feeling anything at all. They wall themselves off and void themselves of any emotion, good or bad. But if I was still allowing you in, it meant that I still have the capacity for love.
Thinking about a past love shows that you are still hopeful for a future love.
The love I had for you was not wasted, so neither should the thoughts of you. I will remember the times we smiled, the times we shared spaces, because that is what I will hope for in my next love. A love that you did not prevent me from having, a love that I will be fully there for.
You were something I felt, and will continue to feel, because I am thankful I have something to look fondly back on as a reminder of love. That is why I will not run and hide from a glimmering daydream of what once was. I welcome them in as a stepping stone to what is to come.
The ghost of you is no longer something that frightens me.