Years of hopeful effort and dedication. Then it was all stolen from me. The rug was pulled out from underneath me. I wish I could say when I look back that I could see the writing on the wall.
But there was no writing, not even a wall.
My heart was so full and you made me believe yours was too. I never questioned any part of us. There was never a doubt in my mind. You never gave me any indication that you weren’t all the way in.
I loved so hard. Every kiss, every embrace, was flowing with passion. Your touch set me on fire and I swear I could see that same blaze in your eyes. Every moment we were apart was nothing but a countdown until we could be together again. I swear I could hear the ticking in your heart too.
I divulged my darkest secrets. I was so vulnerable, an open book. I wore my heart on my sleeve like a badge of honor. You told me about your childhood, about your insecurities, about the things you wanted in life. You never held back, you never showed any signs of hiding from me.
I had planned our life together. The places we would go, the home we would build. As I envisioned my dreams of the future, you were there. Every step of the way, we were together. Every time we whispered about these plans, late at night, or in the morning over a cup of coffee, I saw your heart jumping out of your chest.
The excitement was not one sided, you wanted the same things I did.
Then it happened. I was blindsided, like the perfect blitz on a quarterback, t-boned by an 18-wheeler, sucker punched. Without warning you walked away. Packed up your things and left before I woke. The note you left only said “I’m sorry”.
Sorry for what? Sorry for the lies, the fake build-up, the hollow dreams you let me believe in? Or are you sorry for the hurt I will feel? Were you sorry that you knew this would crush my gentle heart that you promised to protect? Or worse, were you sorry for yourself and the regret that will sting for years to come? Were you sorry for the shame you will feel when our friends and your family will look at you with disdain? It wasn’t just me you fooled, but everyone around us too.
In the weeks and months that followed you gave me tattered pieces of explanations. You were scared; you wanted more for me than you could ever be. You ran because you didn’t know what else to do.
But in the end I saw that you were just afraid to try.
So what do I do now? I will love again, and I will love fully. You were right, love is scary. Love can shatter you. But it can also bring you back to life.
When you give love, your heart fills with love. Love should be shared with the world. I have always believed this and you will not change my mind.
And to be honest, I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that you won’t trust in your heart again because I will.