Men are, by and large, pretty terrified of commitment. Through my extensive dating research and highly clinical love studies over the years I have learned that as men get older they become even more terrified of commitment, most likely because they are traumatized by multiple heartbreaks. They don’t want to make ANOTHER mistake and have their hearts broken AGAIN. Some of them have been married once before and vow never to get married again because of the emotional scars that have been left behind. Some of them had a horrible experience where a woman cheated on them and, to protect themselves, they now only have no strings attached relationships.
These men are so frustrating to be involved with because they operate from a fear-based place with every single decision and action that they make in relationships. They are no longer open and excited about potentially building a life with someone. They are resistant and blocked. When you talk about the future, their eyes glaze over. When you talk about moving in together they change the subject. When you talk about marriage and kids they say they don’t want those things.
If you’re dating a good man and he seems invested in you but drags his feet about moving forward then you have what I like to call a Cementer. A man who has placed his feet firmly in cement and won’t move. He’s comfortable, he doesn’t want to be pushed, and he doesn’t know how to get himself out. He will stay stuck in that cement for as long as he is allowed to do so. He will convince his girlfriend that it’s just “who he is” and she will convince herself that she “just has to deal with it.” And she will coast along for as long as she can stand it trying to be okay with the fact that her relationship isn’t reaching its potential.
I’ve dated so many Cementers and it was so torturous because I felt a general unhappiness every single day. It was a black cloud that hung over the whole relationship. Because even without the constant conversations about the future of the relationship, I could feel the resistance in them in regards to all of our daily interactions and communication. I’ve also seen many friends date Cementers too and convince themselves that they don’t actually care about getting married or having kids and it’s so disappointing watching them willingly give up so many of the things that they really want.
So how does one get a Cementer like this to fully commit, to propose, to move in together, to plan a future with her? She breaks up with him. Seriously. That is her only play. No amount of begging, pleading, and crying on her end will get him to change. Because most men are so stubborn, they don’t want to change things about themselves at all, but ESPECIALLY not for someone else. He will think that he is doing everything he can and he will tell you that he just moves slower than others and that eventually it will happen, meanwhile just buying himself more and more time and giving himself more room to breathe, further frustrating his partner.
A good man WILL fully commit to a good woman he doesn’t want to lose. But you have to shock his system. If you’re disrespecting yourself by hanging on to this Cementer when you aren’t receiving the relationship, the marriage, the children, the openness or whatever it is you so desperately want from him, then he isn’t gonna do SHIT. Because there seems to be no threat and he bets on the fact that you’ll keep coasting along because, let’s be honest, most of us will for a very long time. If you leave him because you deserve better, he will make whatever changes are necessary to get you back. And if he doesn’t, then he was never yours to begin with and you really can find someone better for you. But either way you win.
It’s incredibly discouraging to fall for a Cementer. We could’ve avoided all the heartache from the start if we had just been more discerning about who he really was. But most of the time you get into the relationship not knowing the whole story yet. Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning. And then you fall in love and find out after the fact that he’s not the “marrying kind.” But the good news is that a mindset in a man can always be changed with some pressure and patience. But you are the one who has to provide the pressure. No more long teary talks, no more ultimatums, no more time frames. Men respond to action. Have enough courage to take it.
Not to completely generalize but most men are pretty emotionally stunted. It’s just the nature of our society. Most of their “I won’t do so and so” speeches are just coming from a fear-based mentality. But those fears run deep and they will hide behind them at every opportunity they get. However, the only thing they fear more than being forced to do something they think they aren’t ready for is losing the woman they love.