You know when you were at school and you learned about how you get periods? How gross, old blood that resembles the colour of Satan’s urine leaks out of your vagina, and how parts of your uterus fall like the Berlin Wall and ruin your underwear like Communism ruined the economy? Well it’s shit isn’t it? But it doesn’t stop there. There’s plenty of shit that no one ever tells you. (Except for me. You’re welcome.)
1. You’ll think you’re going insane at least once.
You’ll think you’ve got everything right, finally. You’ll think your life is finally on some sort of okay-ish/acceptable enough track and then BAM. No, actually, you’ve been living your life entirely wrong, all, of, this, fucking, time. And nobody told you that would happen.
You went through the prison of your school life being brainwashed by grey-cardigan-wearing teachers into thinking you’ll just hit 16, or 18, or 21, or some other milestone where you’ll magically have everything worked out because you got a B in Geography and can sort of do fractions. NO. WRONG. And this realisation will throw you into a whirlwind of questions and self doubt, nobody told you about that either. Funny.
2. Your friends will all start pairing off and churning out kids and you’ll feel weird.
Since when did everyone get old enough to care for anything other than themselves? You distinctly remember Kirsty who borrowed your gel pen and never gave it back accidentally starving her Tamagotchi to death and now she has a three-year-old. WHAT?! Here you are working some crap job, trying to make your parents proud of you and resorting to watching re-runs of 90’s sitcoms when it all gets too much, never mind picking little Takeesha Layeesha Mercedes Smith up from daycare in a pink Corsa.
3. You open your mouth and your mother (or father) comes out.
Remember when you rebelled against these all-seeing, all-knowing overlords and insisted on hating everything they liked? Not anymore! Now you tell the young what you did ‘’when you were their age’’ and you take personal offence when someone says Lion King 2 was the best one of the films.
4. You read mundane lists (like this one) that talk about things you should being doing now.
“20 things you must do in your twenties”, “20 things you should have by age 30” etc etc. You read them while engulfed in a stormy sea of anxiety and self-loathing wondering why you haven’t tried that weird Japanese food or dated a serial killer yet.
5. You put on weight.
Whether it’s drinking or just forgetting that thing called metabolism, you’ll put weight on. You won’t notice it for a while, not until you go to put the jeans you bought two months ago on and your thighs block their way to your hips like a tractor in the road. You won’t stop stuffing your face with chocolate while watching compilation after compilation of fail videos on YouTube though, don’t worry.
6. You’ll wonder how anyone can afford anything, ever.
Rent. Bills. Food. Going out. Who invented money anyway? If they still traded chickens instead of using currency, you could become a chicken breeder and be rich, you’d also have company when you retreat to the safety of Netflix binges/reality avoidance.
7. Everyone else will seem like they have figured it all out.
Don’t worry, they haven’t. Only their Instagram account has.