If The Doof Warrior Were Your Boyfriend

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, you might become the type of person who loves cars. You would learn about horsepower and engines and the best way to clean sand out of an old filtration system. You would make suggestions about how to improve the velocity of his ride and he would listen intently and thank you for your input.

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, he would always play his new compositions for you first. Once he was done playing, he’d tilt his head and ask, “Do you think it’s fast enough?”

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, you would finally have the confidence to wear adult onesies unironically.

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, you would learn how to describe the beauty of the desert. He would ask you about the color of the sky as the day turned into night and the air got cooler and you would tell him the night sky is like the cold, higher strings on his guitar; like quiet music. And he would ask, “What is quiet music?”

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, he would make you mixes of all the great rock acts of the 70s and 80s. He would spend hours playing AC/DC for you, periodically looking over at you and smiling to make sure that you loved it.

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, you would eventually lose your hearing.

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, the two of you would get into playful sand fights. You’d chase each other around and he would sweep sand into your hair. You would complain about getting sand in your eye and he would shrug and tease you for having eyes.

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, he would surprise you with a bungee cord fort that he built for you with his own two hands. He would have spent countless nights sneaking away and stringing up the stretchy rope just so you could have a quiet place to lie down and read your favorite books.

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend you’d finally take up smoking hipster cigarillos like you’ve always wanted. He’d play your favorite riff on the guitar before shouting and lighting the cig for you, nearly burning your eyebrows off in that affectionate way that you know so well.

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, you’d cut your hair short so that it didn’t catch fire. You’d find that you actually preferred yourself with the closely cropped coiffeur.

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, you would never have to worry about the whole “meet the parents” moment, as his parents were killed long ago.

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, you might become the type of person who loves to sew. He would come back from his rides with tears in his onesie, and you would tut and complain, but patch them up all the same. He would smile at you in that manic but darling way and strum his guitar to accompany your work.

If the Doof Warrior were your boyfriend, everything the two of you own would be just a little bit singed.