What It Feels Like To Be Eaten Out

Thank you to everyone who submitted responses to “What It Feel Likes To Get Your D Sucked.” They were all hilarious, touching, and informative. This one, however, took the choco taco! (Okay, we suck at making vagina jokes).

I hate it when a guy asks me to “Tell me what you want.” while we’re hooking up. That’s a dumb fucking question. For future reference, men of the world, I only want one thing, and that is your tongue on my clitoris. If I say anything else in response to this question, it’s because I’m taken aback by the idea that you think I could want anything except that. Wanting anything else has actually not occurred to me until the moment of your asking, and then I’m like, well, fuck, I’m probably supposed to say something like, I don’t know, “I want your huge cock in my wet pussy” or something. But I don’t want to say that because 1. It doesn’t sound like me, and 2. That’s not what I want. I just want you to eat me out, and I want you to do it for a long time with varying speeds, pressures, and tongue patterns until I tell you “Don’t stop,” which is your cue that I’m going to come soon, and at this point you should maintain a constant speed, pressure, and tongue pattern until I orgasm. You’ll be able to tell when this happens, trust me. Then, if you know what you’re doing (or if you just didn’t realize that all of that muscle contracting and hair grabbing and shouting I was doing was indicative of my orgasm), you will take a 5-10 second break and return to eating me out, because multiple orgasms are easily achieved and, like, wow, really awesome.

Orgasms are awesome in general because they make you feel like a beautiful woman, and being eaten out is also like that because guys who are good at it usually really appreciate vaginas. A lot of my girlfriends are like, “You know, I just don’t like it. I just don’t! It’s weird, you know?” and I’m like, “No, I don’t know, actually.” I feel sorry for these friends of mine because I mean, yeah, it is hard to trust a person to put their tongue in and around and in and around your very most private of parts, and I bet that’s why they “don’t like it.” Being eaten out puts you in a really vulnerable position. Here are some of the concerns I might have at any given time before/during the experience:

What if I smell funny? Or what if I smell normal and he just doesn’t like that smell?

What if I taste weird? Or what if I taste normal and he just doesn’t like that taste?

What if the grooming pattern I employ is not the grooming pattern he prefers?

What if he’s just doing this because, after centuries of stifling women’s rights and opinions, he feels obligated to?



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  • ricky schitltiiz


  • setecq

    This is an important thing for the world to know.

    • eunice

      Very. Emphasis on no sucking. All women deserve to get eaten out like there's no tomorrow. Without too much saliva, please.

  • http://twitter.com/brandollars Brandon Silverman

    I love vaginas and I love eating girls out and I would love to eat you out, because I love it. I've also heard various responses to the “sucking” question, I guess it just depends on the girl.

    • LDN

      hey baby


        Yeah, can we get a phone number or some contact information?


      im soo horny nd i love getin eaten out of

      • Tx Bull

        Baby I love to eat out, love the sweet taste and love to watch you squirm when it pleases you. Drop me a note here.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1415031788 Sharif Youssef

    Please compare it to being rimmed for gay male reference.

  • Teenagewebmail

    Great closer. Informative and entertaining!

  • http://twitter.com/magalinahag magalina hagalina

    “If you're going to eat me out, don't suck.”

    I see what you did there, and I second it.

  • Dick_plimpton



    This is actually the first time I've heard of the act you're describing, this “eating out.” Either you're way ahead of the curve or I'm very far behind.

    • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

      Way way behind.

      • AHH

        LOL noob! You just don't understand PERFECTCIRCLES humor.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    I am a huge fan of the eating out. Scratch than, fan is too benign a word. Vagina is to my mouth what blood is to a leech. Something magical about making a woman scream and do all sorts of things she didn't think she was capable of (I'm afraid one day my head is going to pop from some chick's thighs squeezing it like that scene in Casino).

    • Guest

      Absolutely!  It’s so much fun to feel the muscles contracting, breathing increase, moaning increase, etc.  Man I wish the wife wasn’t asleep right now!

      :p(Yes, pun intended with that emoticon)

    • Guest

      Absolutely!  It’s so much fun to feel the muscles contracting, breathing increase, moaning increase, etc.  Man I wish the wife wasn’t asleep right now!

      :p(Yes, pun intended with that emoticon)

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    nailed it. high five for vaginas.

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    As a girl, I feel this is accurate.

    • Dennywaller

      Love the South Park reference!   : D

  • http://twitter.com/TheAndreaK Andrea K

    “Being eaten out feels like your partner is scratching an itch you didn’t realize you had until he or she caressed it in delicate circles with his or her glorious tongue.”

    Best description ever.

  • Jess

    Some of the guys I've been with, they half-ass at this job just to 'earn' themselves a beejay and/or beyond. It's a total turn-off when you see that coming.


  • what a baller

    please please please let this girl write for TC on the regular. fabulous fucking writing, my dear.

  • Ms. Pants

    I've always said a man should have a clit on his forehead for at least a month in his adult life. That way, we can let him know what it's like when:

    –he pays attention to everything AROUND the clit
    –tries to rub it clean off my body
    –is afraid of damaging it so he barely puts any pressure on it
    –thumps it monotonously for hours on end
    –scratches it with a scraggly fingernail
    –sandpapers it with stubble
    –bites it
    –does really good things until he hears “don't stop!” or any other orgasm indicator, and COMPLETELY switches up technique

    • Dennywaller

      A man has to be told those things especially the switching up part. See my comment farther up for my style.


  • fakes & ladders

    I love this, hilarious.

  • EmiliaBedelia

    Remind me how scratching an itch is sexy again? I don't get it…

    • http://twitter.com/bsdf BEN ENGLISCH

      feels good man

    • Laurengraham51

      you know when you have an itch and you go to scratch it your like aww feels much better same thing as being eaten out…

  • John

    well….. that was an unnecessarily angry article.

    • Sdf

      i'm going to leave aside the character judgment i could infer from this comment and just say that the “angry” tone feels entirely comic to me. really enjoyed this.

    • Dennywaller

      Frustrated is more like it.

  • sally

    i have had a guy use teeth on me and loved it.

    that is all.

    • Carla

      I have also had teeth and it kinda hurt a little but it was a hurt that I LOVED!!!  My clit is oversized and when he bit it, I almost screamed because it was so good.

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregory.r.sr.9 Gregory R Smith Sr

        Damn Carla, do you live in Atlanta? My email address is bunky012@att.net.

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    nice family guy quote. enjoyed this. long live the clitoris

  • ryan chang

    i love eating girls out. i love the vagina. long live eating out, and eating out well.

    • http://twitter.com/eceismen Ece Ismen


  • az

    Every time i read the phrase 'eaten out' I gag a little.

  • Matisse Jenkins


    • kameronfl

      i am bored some one text me 3199364037

  • Jem

    itchy facial hair on a guy can make it suck btw.

    • ll

      mm I don't know, sometimes a little stubble tickles juuust riiight..

  • Tim

    Ok so it's time for “What it feels like to get your ass eaten out” now? Maybs we could get both a male and a female perspective. I feel like that'd be interesting because it's the only thing we can all relate to, both from the giving and receiving perspective. Come on TC don't be too PC!

    Also, that's one thing I envy gays/lesbians about; getting to know exactly what it feels like to get your D sucked or eaten out and then performing that on someone else. Oh to be a dyke for a day…

    • Dd


      It tickles in an awesome, sloppy kind of way. You're highly unlikely to encounter feces, but its still a pretty dirty practice; both in a sexy way and an unsanitary way.

    • eceismen

      It doesn't really make a difference when you are a lesbian, because the pleasure and the preferences depends on individuals. Just because Anna likes licking doesn't mean Susie likes to be licked. Or the other way around.

    • Emily.

      I’ve been eaten out by a girl and she was just to rough. And even her fingering me hurt. Oh. And she was a dyke..

      • jerry

        you should let a man eat you out it would probably feel better than a women eating you out

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