This time of year is about reflection, making goals for the coming year, leaving behind what holds us down, and I’ve been having some hard-hitting realizations about my own behavior. About the choices I’ve been making, the people I’ve been spending my energy on, the respect I’ve been accepting.
For the last year and a half I’ve been chasing boys that don’t want to be caught. I didn’t notice this was a pattern until I was trying to give advice to my friend this morning, who follows a similar pattern, going after the unattainable. I chase emotionally unavailable men because I believe if I finally get them to fall for me, it means I’m worthy. It means I’m unique and special. What a sad sentence to type. I go after boys (and I won’t say men, because they aren’t) who I feel I need to convince to love me.
I recently wrote an article about how we’re supposed to give love without questioning if people deserve it or what you’ll get in return. And I still stand by that, but you also have to draw a line in the sand when someone is disrespecting you and taking advantage of your love.
So here are some things I want us all to take into our dating lives in 2020:
You are worthy of love. You always have been. Far before he made you feel you were.
You were deserving of love before he gave you attention. Yes, it feels good to get attention, but that’s as fleeting as a shooting star. Wait for someone who truly loves and adores you. Your person is out there, and they’re looking for you too.
You were beautiful before he said it.
I get it, it feels good to hear it. You beam a smile when he tells you how pretty or beautiful you are. You get yourself in good lighting and snap that snapchat, knowing that he’ll respond with a heart eye emoji or saying “damn, you really are beautiful.” Someone can think you’re beautiful and still won’t commit to you, just like I can think flowers in the grocery store are gorgeous but that doesn’t always mean I’m going to take them home with me. While being complimented on your exterior is flattering, wait for the guy who thinks you’re personality is beautiful, is enamored by your humor, loves the way your nose scrunches when you laugh, or the way you love those around you. Your exterior shouldn’t be the only thing he’s captivated by.
You were never too much. He was too little.
Your love was never overwhelming, your attention was never too focused, he just wasn’t deserving of it. When you’re with the right person, your love will not be too much. It will be perfect, and reciprocated, and appreciated, and loved. Reciprocated is the keyword here. If you keep feeling like you’re giving everything and they’re giving nothing, it’s because they are doing nothing. Onto the next, my friend.
If a man isn’t showing up, it’s time to move along.
Actions speak louder than words. It’s cliché as can be, but there’s a reason it’s said so much. It’s hard to hear things like “I don’t get how you’re still single,” “I’m trying to date you,” and “I want to take you out on a proper date,” and then not see any follow through on their end. But that’s really all you need to know. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to spend their time with you or come through on the commitments they’re making. They love the attention they’re getting from you, but have no intention on acting on it.
It’s not his responsibility who you make him out to be in your head. It’s not his responsibility that you’ve envisioned dates and situations with him that he isn’t ever going to carry out. You need to see men for what they’re doing in real life. Because if you don’t, the only person you’re upsetting is yourself.
In 2020, we must be better. We must hold our standards high, demand the respect we so much deserve, and walk away when we are no longer getting that, even if that means being alone.
You were worthy before he made you feel you were. You were beautiful before he said it. You were never too much. He was too little.
Read that again. Write it down. Put in on your bathroom mirror. Engrave it in your brain. Because you need to really hear me when I say it: You were worthy before he made you feel you were. You were beautiful before he said it. You were never too much. He was too little.