I am the almost girl. The girl who is almost good enough to commit to; the girl who is almost good enough to introduce to his friends; the one who is almost worth seeing sober, instead of drunk and obliterated. I am the girl who was almost good enough to love. I am the girl who has “almost relationships,” more than I care to count.
I am 22 years old and have been “with” more guys than I can put a number to, where we talk a lot, hook up, but never actually settle our feelings and put a label on it. Yes, we were exclusive and, yes we cared about each other, whether we defined the relationship or not, but either one or neither of us was ready to totally commit to the other and actually be a couple. The kind of couple that goes on dates (in public) and he pays; the kind where just being together gets you 50 shades of nervous and worked up in the best way.
I am sitting here at 22 years old, convinced that I am only the almost girl. Yet, I am sitting here at 22, with an absolutely wonderful boy doting on me and courting me in a way I have always wanted someone to, wanting to break my streak of “almosts,” yet I am constantly finding myself thinking of reasons why I don’t want to be with him. No, not reasons, excuses. He is perfect and everything I thought I wanted in a man, but now that I have it, I am scared. I am scared that someone actually wants me for what I have to offer on an intellectual, physical, emotional and every other “al” level there is, not just one who wants me in a sexual way.
I can’t wrap my brain around why someone would actually want to be with me, because that is what four years of “dating” college guys have taught me: I’m good enough to hook up with and spend drunk nights with, but not good enough to wake up to in the morning. I’m good enough to see when they’re bored and horny, but not good enough to take out to dinner and have an actual interest in my life.
In real life, I am so confident in who I am and willing to take risks that usually wind up only doing me good in the end. But when it comes to love, I always have such a guarded heart, because I’ve learned the hard way that the kind of pain without open wounds or broken bones hurts the most and leaves the biggest scars. The almost relationships.
I am the almost girl.
Since I am the almost girl, I have trouble sorting out if I really don’t want him or if I’m just scared of going out of my comfort zone. Because I have never been enough for somebody. I have always wanted to feel wanted; and here I am, truly, genuinely, wanted. But here I am, pushing him away for wanting me; for wanting to make me happy; for wanting to be the one I wake up to in the morning. Maybe I am just scared, or maybe I really don’t like him. Whatever the case, I learned something: maybe I won’t always be the almost girl after all.