I think the longest time we were apart was three weeks. He broke up with me so I deleted him from my life, thinking this was it. No more. No calls. No texts. No contact. He stayed blocked on all social media to prevent all these things. I stood firm with his banishment too. I would not be swayed by sweet words. He even found the only way to contact me was through email because I didn’t know how to block emails (is there a way to block emails?) and I didn’t even respond to his heartfelt apologies.
And it was on one night, after getting disappointed by a possible new prospect (to be continued later), that I drunkenly made the decision to unblock him. And thus began the two week dance of avoiding, flirting, crying, comforting, fighting, reconciling.
He called. He texted. He made contact. He asked me out to eat and told me to wear some sexy lingerie. He spent a good part of the lovely sushi dinner lightly bumping his leg into mine and gently touching my knee during the conversation. It was fun. It was like old times.
We ended up in bed, fitting together nicely like we always have. He told me he didn’t want to lose me again.
And now we’re back together. Officially this time even. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Legit shit. I’m not sure what to do. Do we keep it casual or immediately jump into trying to build a future? I’m still trying to figure that out. But I can say why I decided to go back to him.
I have spent a good four years trying to make this work. I tried to be the kind of girlfriend that he could be proud to have on his arm, the kind his friends can be jealous of. Keeping together two people with vastly different mindsets and barely anything in common, except the intense need for companionship, has not been an easy task. In the beginning, there was a lot of lying. There were a lot of secrets. And then there was a lot of honesty. Maybe even too much honesty.
This is why my new old boyfriend doesn’t get to know about the things I did while we were briefly separated. He won’t be able to handle it.
I had found someone interesting while we were broken up. Actually, I was interested in him before we broke up. It was during those end stages when neither of you gives a damn about what the other is doing because you both feel the end is coming. Nothing extreme happened, just a lot of flirtation and light touching.
My best friend tells me I’m being selfish for not letting him know everything, for letting him walk into a relationship where he doesn’t know all the facts. I know she just wants me to be a decent human being, to consider other human beings with their human feelings. But I think sometimes the decent thing to do is spare someone the awful, sordid details that will keep them up in an anxiety sweat all night.
So it’s like how we began four years ago. Lies and secrets. Maybe this time around will be better. Maybe. What is it that they say about insanity and doing the same thing over again?