You Pretended To Be A Man, But Are Really Just A Cruel, Little Boy

You know me, and you know my story. You know my strengths, my weaknesses, and my hopes and dreams. But above all, you know my heart, and have travelled through every single one of its crevasses. But still, that wasn’t enough for you. And I don’t know if I should feel sadness, or elation that I got away from you when I did. Because who knows what would have become of me, had things continued the way they were.

I have to admit though, I thought more of you. Not only as someone I loved, but first and foremost as a human being. I thought I knew you to be kind, generous, thoughtful, and gentle. But in reality, you’re the complete opposite. You’re erratic, pessimistic, and your rapid behavioral changes leave me feeling dazed and confused.

I naively thought I’d hit the jackpot – relocating to a new city, starting at a new university, making new friends, and meeting you. I thought this would be the turning point, not only for my career, but for my personal life as well. And for the first month, that was the way life was heading. You were gentle, loving, and almost obsessed with spending every moment you could with me. The feelings you gave me consumed me completely, but you already knew that. Which perhaps was the reason you decided to take advantage of my feelings to feed your own ego.

You knew exactly how I felt about you, I made it abundantly clear. But you still thought you could invade my personal space, and leave me feeling like I’m nothing more than a piece of meat, here for your enjoyment and pleasure. And that is the most horrid feeling of all. The feeling of being so in love with you, and being completely taken advantage of, all because you couldn’t make up your mind about who and what you wanted.

For a while I accepted it, although I was devastated. We had a few days apart with no communication, and I thought I’d reached the other side in a somewhat decent frame of mind. Ready to be your friend, and ready to let go of my love for you. But then the communication resumed, and things went back to how they were. Which caused me to wonder; did he make the wrong decision? Does he love me? Does he want to take things slow? All these questions were circling around in my fortress of a brain, hoping for the best possible outcome.

But then one day, after classes had ended, you kissed me.

And proceeded to violate my personal space, as though you were owed that privilege because I had let you kiss me. Wrong. You are not owed anything, and you are not entitled to any part of me, physically or mentally. The sense of self-entitlement that you have honestly makes my stomach churn, and you need to take a long hard look at yourself and who you are.

I know you’ve been through a lot, but so have I. And regardless of what you’ve experienced, it does not give you the right to take advantage of me, as a woman, just to boost your own self-esteem. But what is most worrying is that you don’t believe you’ve done anything wrong. You strut around the campus, and portray yourself to be this genuine, sweet, and loving man. But if I strip away all the layers, all that is left is an insecure little boy who doesn’t know how to treat a good woman the way she deserves to be treated.

I don’t want your apology, and I definitely do not want your sympathy. All I want is to spare the next poor girl the trauma of going through what I went through. And for what? Someone who wasn’t the person I thought they were? Or maybe it was all for the love of someone who couldn’t be the person I needed them to be.