1. You will gain some ‘happy’ weight. Every burger, every melty spoonful of ice cream will feel like nirvana on your tongue. You will gain five pounds in a week, but hey, you’re with someone who finally accepts you and so you don’t care for once. Skinny jeans be damned—Ben & Jerry’s tastes better than being thin, anyway.
2. You’ll go to farmer’s market gatherings on Sunday. Every Sunday. And it will feel great, like what couples are supposed to do in their free time. You’ll get coffee and he’ll get coffee cake.
3. You won’t really argue. Ever. Because you both don’t truly communicate, which is too yucky and serious, right? Why communicate when you’re around each other 24/7? Why talk to each other when it’s all literally out in the open, all the time? It’s fine. Really, it’s fine.
4. Spooning before falling asleep will be amazing. Enough said.
5. He’ll buy you an adorable kitten for Valentine’s Day. And when I say ‘adorable,’ I mean it.
6. Commercials for dating sites will be laughable. Because you’ve got your significant other already right next to you on the couch. Because you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?
7. You’ll discover that your sex drive is much higher than his. Which isn’t a bad thing. It’s just frustrating. What guy doesn’t want to screw around all day? Whatever. You’ll deal because you’re cool like that. You don’t want him to sacrifice his happiness for yours. It’s fine, seriously.
8. You will plan a vacation to Paris and play with the idea that he’ll propose to you. The vacation even starts on your birthday! Planning a wedding is totally justified.
9. Cleaning will become not so important. Laundry, especially, because who has time to clean when you’re hanging out with the most amazing person you’ve ever been with? No one, that’s who. Then again, that pile of dirty dishes is getting a bit gross…
10. Clothes shopping will be an event. Now you have someone to tell you, honestly, whether or not your butt really does look big in those jeans. Plus, when you’re in the dressing room, the store’s employees will hand you blouse after blouse picked out by your significant other because he thinks they’ll look amazing on you. Personal stylist? Check.
11. You will buy a vibrator. Let’s face it: the lack of sex will be depressing at this point. Don’t cry. Please don’t.
12. Your mom will try to contact you every chance she gets. Don’t ignore her—she’s just worried about you, okay? You dropped everything to run off with a guy who lives on the opposite side of the country without much of a goodbye. She’ll be overly emotional for a while, but that’s what moms are for. Appreciate how much she cares about you. Tell her you love her.
13. Your dad will tell you to make sure your car is in working condition. Just know that when he brings this up, he’s secretly telling you he cares about you, just like your mom. Don’t discount that. Tell him you love him. And lie about the car—you’ll get to it one day.
14. Arguments will happen at some point, and they’ll be about sex. You’re just confused– are you not attractive to him? Are you boring in bed? Maybe if you buy new lingerie, he’ll be more into you. He’ll say you’re gorgeous, but it’ll be hard to believe him. Just say you love him and that everything’s fine.
15. You will learn that he likes his food cooked in specific ways. Very specific. As in, bacon should be cooked for exactly two minutes, thirty seconds or else it’s too ‘raw.’ And toasted bagels shouldn’t be too crunchy, unless they’re topped with melted cheese, in which case they need to be extra crunchy. Anything with any hint of a burned bit on it will be discarded immediately for no reason other than that the burned bit must have infected the rest of the food item, though this is lacking in hard evidence.
16. You will have an argument about sex and vow celibacy to ‘fix it.’ He will say that he could do without sex for six months and your jaw will hit the floor. But, because you love this person, you will agree to it and fantasize about the vibrator.
17. The celibacy thing, you realize, means no romance during the Paris vacation. And this will haunt you until you come to terms with the idea that maybe he just doesn’t want you after all. You will bring this up and say that your relationship feels more like a weird friendship and he will agree as if he knew this to be the case all along. You will feel like a rug’s been ripped out from underneath you.
18. You will break up. You will simultaneously hate and love him as if your mind and heart are in an epic battle for what could possibly be the ‘correct’ emotion after such a visceral shredding of the soul. Fun fact: There will be no correct emotions.
19. You will be okay. As you find friends to be your new roommates, and budget for a cheap mattress to fit in your new apartment, you will find yourself to be honestly, utterly and impossibly okay. You will regret the last year and you will come to appreciate it. You will tell your mom and dad that you can’t believe they still love you after you ran off. You will look back on that one guy and know that he was just ‘that one guy’ and never ‘the one.’ You will get dolled up and find someone cute who actually wants to make out with you, because you, my friend, are one sexy motherfucker. Don’t you ever forget that. Oh, and get your car fixed.