You pushed her away by not being the man she used to know. By not being the man she used to love and adore and give her heart to. You pushed her away, by not being good enough. By not being a better man.
I know that anxiety isn’t something that can overtake me. I know that I am more powerful than the thoughts it puts in my head. But sometimes, on some days, I give up. I give up on finding anybody. It’s easier to just let go. It’s easier to just stop. It’s easier to just let life take the wheel.
You’re too stuck in the past and nostalgia makes you bitter and miserable. Whenever you think of the past, you wish it was still then, and you can’t help but remember when you were truly happy and carefree.
You miss being carefree. Not giving a damn. When you didn’t know what sadness felt like. You miss not knowing what pain was. What loss was. What longing was.
You still stalk your ex when you’re drunk. After a little too much wine on a Saturday night, you find yourself deep into stalker mode looking at your ex when he was in middle school. Do yourself a favor and block the poor guy already!
We become incredibly attached. Once time has passed, and we are in a committed relationship, we become attached and clingy. Why? Because our anxiety tells us this relationship is temporary.
So you’re single. Because you know better now. You know better than to give your heart to just anyone. You know better than to toss your soul away to people who won’t treat it with respect. You’re single because you know your worth now.
I need for anxiety not to control my entire life. I need for myself to be stronger.
So stay single until you know your own worth. Stay single until you know your value to this world. Stay single until you can fill your own heart up. Stay single until you can smile genuinely at your self. Stay single until you beam with pride at your own heart. Stay single until you can truly tell yourself that you are worthy and wonderful and lovable.
When love is raw and real and genuine, it’s not going to feel so dark, so lonely. You aren’t going to feel so alone while lying next to someone who you think loves you. You’re not going to feel like the only person in the relationship. You’re not going to feel like you’re the only one trying. Like you’re the only one who actually cares.