If I’m Being Honest, I’m Happy We Didn’t Last Forever

girl on mountain
Nadi Whatisdelirium

I never thought the day would come where I would be happy you and I split up. I never thought I would EVER get to the point of moving on from you and from us. But it’s been so long now, I can look back on our memories and not feel bitter or sad or heartbroken. Honestly, it just makes me smile now.

There was a point in time when I thought we would last forever. But I was younger then. I was naive. Letting love and you take over my every emotion. I think I was almost addicted to you. I thought I needed you for me to even breathe.

Maybe that sounds dramatic and a bit crazy, but it’s how I truly felt during that time. I felt strongly in my heart that I needed you to be happy. That I needed us for the world to make sense for me. And as first loves usually go, I thought it’d be us against the world forever.

But like many relationships, ours started wilting. I couldn’t do anything to save it. I couldn’t do anything to change your mind. And you killed it with a phone call. In all honestly, it felt like you put a bullet through my chest.

I felt like a ghost of my former self when we ended. I didn’t have an identity after that. I didn’t know who the hell I was when I wasn’t with you. You were all that I had. You were all that I knew. Who was I without you? I was nothing.

But overtime I realized that I wasn’t nothing. I was never nothing. Sure, I felt stronger when I had you. I felt more powerful. Like I had a louder voice when you were holding my hand.

You were gone. But I wasn’t going to let you kill me.

Your leaving taught me that I was stronger than I could have ever anticipated. Your leaving taught me that I could be an independent woman, without needing anybody else. Your leaving taught me that love isn’t everything. Your leaving taught me that self love is the most important kind of love I could ever have.

It didn’t happen instantly. It took years for me to get over the fact that you weren’t in love with me anymore. It took years for me to finally get it. To finally understand that you and I could never exist again.

But now, I can smile, looking back on us so innocent and giddy with each other. Now, I can look back and smile with every single memory I still have in my heart.

I’m not mad anymore. I’m not sad anymore. Because when I look back on us, I am reminded that I am lovable and that I deserve that again. And when I look back on us, I also am reminded that I didn’t truly love myself back then.

I’m happy we didn’t last forever. Because when you left, I learned how to truly love myself. And that’s the kind of love that will never leave me. TC mark

Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

For more poetry and writing follow me on Instagram!

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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