I’ve never been into casual relationships. And because of that, I’ve never been into casual sex. There isn’t a one specific reason. There isn’t a one specific experience that turned me off from it completely. It’s just not my thing.
I wish I could be one of those free spirits. You know, like the ones who don’t see sex as anything else but sex. I wish I could be chill with it. Cool with it. But I don’t think I was made for casual. I don’t think I was made to be chill. Like ever.
When I like someone, I really like someone. I can never half ass anything when it comes to my feelings. And when I really hate someone, I really hate them. Like Donald Trump. There’s no ‘ifs’ or ‘buts’ or question marks.
I am a firm believer that you should do whatever you want to with your body. Just like the women who don’t do casual sex, or the women who love it, that is their right and that is their decision. I’m not hating on casual sex and I know for some people, it’s a beautiful and wonderful thing. It’s just not beautiful to me.
I will never be anyone’s one night stand. I can’t show all of myself to a stranger or to someone I met twenty minutes ago. I don’t want sex if it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t want you to touch me, if you don’t give a crap about me. I don’t want a kiss from you, if all you are going to do is leave in the morning without a word.
I never want to be just a body for someone. I want to be seen through my heart too.
Sex is just too personal for me. It holds too much meaning and power and truth. I don’t want to just be a doll for someone. I don’t want to be a toy. I don’t want to be someone’s sloppy seconds. I don’t want to be just a random person in their life, when in reality, I could be someone’s actual person.
Maybe I’m missing out on a dazzling Friday night. Maybe I’m missing out on some crazy, lustful, weekend spent with a broken hearted someone whose last name I can’t remember. Maybe I’m missing out on a really great, great kiss from a stranger in the dark.
But I’d rather fall in love than just fall in bed with you. I’d rather fall in love and be caught by someone who cares. I’d rather be held and not be so scared that he will leave me. I’d rather love with my whole heart than give you my body for a night.
I’ll never be anyone’s one night stand. But some day, I’ll be someone’s person. And maybe we will even share a night stand together.