I’m scared. Scared to feel these emotions I haven’t felt in so long. I’m scared to feel them and have it not be reciprocated back. I’m scared to fall in love, and have it all crash and burn. Again.
I haven’t felt this way in a while. I haven’t felt this way in years. And truth be told, it absolutely petrifies me.
I should be excited, right? I should be optimistic. I should be ecstatic. That I met someone who makes me smile. That I met someone who makes my heart flutter. That I met someone who finally, finally makes me feel butterflies.
But I’m not. I’m just expecting the worst. I’m expecting it to end. I’m expecting to be rejected. I’m expecting to be broken hearted.
And I don’t want to go through another broken heart.
It’s been so long since I’ve even dated someone. It’s been so long since I’ve even kissed someone and felt SOMETHING.
And then you came along. You came along without warning. You came along and you changed something inside of me. You gave me hope. For once. You gave me some sort of sign. That maybe after all, I’d find love again.
I kissed you, expecting nothing. I kissed you, expecting not to feel a thing. As it turns out, I felt everything.
I wanted to pour all of me in you at that very moment. Because in you, I saw light. I saw a light I haven’t seen in years. I saw someone, who I wanted to be with. And that’s you. That’s you. Whether you know it or not.
But I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do. Do I push back? Do I pull back? Do I double text? Do I call you up once a day? I don’t know guy code. I really don’t know anything.
I like you. But I don’t want to go further. I mean, I do.. but I don’t want to get hurt. That’s why I don’t date. That’s why I don’t tell secrets. That’s why I have a guard up. That’s why I have a million walls up.
I don’t know what’s better. To live a life full of fear, or to just jump anyway? I don’t know what’s the best thing to do for my heart. Take that leap? On someone I hardly know? To fall, even though I’m scared?
I don’t know the answer.
I just know that you’re something different. And worst comes to worse, you’ve restored my faith on men. You’ve restored my faith in love. Because even if it doesn’t work, even if you reject me, at least I know that I’m not numb.
I was numb before I met you. I was numb.
And you brought me life. You allowed me to breathe.