My World Would Be So Different If I Didn’t Have OCD

girl struggles with ocd
Billy Pasco

I don’t have the type of OCD you see on tv shows or movies. I don’t have to wash my hands five times a day. I don’t have to recheck and double check again if I turned my headlights off. I don’t have to avoid the cracks on the sidewalk, or repeat a word just to feel better.

My OCD is exactly this: it’s thoughts that spin round and round inside my head. Terrible, scary, dark thoughts that just pop in and out and in and out.

My brain has become a carousel of darkness. A tornado of ‘what if’s. They hiss at me when I least expect it. And they run around my brain, never, ever breaking the cycle. It just keeps going. And I can’t make it stop.

Is it ever going to stop? Will my mind ever grow quiet? Will I ever be the same?

It hit me in June. I was on vacation in North Carolina. I had nothing to be worried about. Life was great. I was at the beach. I had absolutely no reason to be anxious. But then one day as I took a shower to start my day, these thoughts popped into my head. And they wouldn’t stop.

I remember wanting to scream because at least for a second, I wouldn’t have to think. I remember thinking I was going insane. I remember thinking that this was it. That this was the day I was going to have a nervous breakdown. That this was the day I would end up in a mental hospital and be deemed psychotic.

I got out of the shower, shaking, thinking to myself, ‘what the fuck was that?’

It was OCD. It was intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that I didn’t want to do. Thoughts that made me feel like I was losing my mind. Thoughts that made me want to hide from everybody. Thoughts that made me think I was a terrible, terrible person.

I just recently got diagnosed. Every day is different. Some days I breeze through the hours without one scary thought. Other days, I am plagued by this mental illness. Other days, It’s hard to even get out of bed.

If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to be afraid of my own mind.

If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to be scared of waking up, in fear that these thoughts will get even worse.

If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to always be on edge.

If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to see everything as a trigger.

If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to explain these thoughts to my friends. I wouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone.

If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to see a therapist.

If I didn’t have OCD, I would be able to sit still and be fucking calm for once.

If I didn’t have OCD, my mind wouldn’t race like a Los Angeles highway.

If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to spend so much time inside my head. Always thinking and worrying and fretting.

If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t be scared anymore. I wouldn’t be afraid of myself and of the world. I’d just be happy. TC mark

Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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