I don’t have the type of OCD you see on tv shows or movies. I don’t have to wash my hands five times a day. I don’t have to recheck and double check again if I turned my headlights off. I don’t have to avoid the cracks on the sidewalk, or repeat a word just to feel better.
My OCD is exactly this: it’s thoughts that spin round and round inside my head. Terrible, scary, dark thoughts that just pop in and out and in and out.
My brain has become a carousel of darkness. A tornado of ‘what if’s. They hiss at me when I least expect it. And they run around my brain, never, ever breaking the cycle. It just keeps going. And I can’t make it stop.
Is it ever going to stop? Will my mind ever grow quiet? Will I ever be the same?
It hit me in June. I was on vacation in North Carolina. I had nothing to be worried about. Life was great. I was at the beach. I had absolutely no reason to be anxious. But then one day as I took a shower to start my day, these thoughts popped into my head. And they wouldn’t stop.
I remember wanting to scream because at least for a second, I wouldn’t have to think. I remember thinking I was going insane. I remember thinking that this was it. That this was the day I was going to have a nervous breakdown. That this was the day I would end up in a mental hospital and be deemed psychotic.
I got out of the shower, shaking, thinking to myself, ‘what the fuck was that?’
It was OCD. It was intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that I didn’t want to do. Thoughts that made me feel like I was losing my mind. Thoughts that made me want to hide from everybody. Thoughts that made me think I was a terrible, terrible person.
I just recently got diagnosed. Every day is different. Some days I breeze through the hours without one scary thought. Other days, I am plagued by this mental illness. Other days, It’s hard to even get out of bed.
If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to be afraid of my own mind.
If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to be scared of waking up, in fear that these thoughts will get even worse.
If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to always be on edge.
If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to see everything as a trigger.
If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to explain these thoughts to my friends. I wouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone.
If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to see a therapist.
If I didn’t have OCD, I would be able to sit still and be fucking calm for once.
If I didn’t have OCD, my mind wouldn’t race like a Los Angeles highway.
If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t have to spend so much time inside my head. Always thinking and worrying and fretting.
If I didn’t have OCD, I wouldn’t be scared anymore. I wouldn’t be afraid of myself and of the world. I’d just be happy.