Make your bed up every day. Get sheets preferably a shade of cream or powder blue, because blue fixes everything and white is just SO soothing to the eyes.
Turn your room into a spa, and into your ‘sacred’ space. Turn it into a magical land where nothing goes wrong. Into a space of slumber. Of deep thought. Of smiles. Only smiles. All the time.
Go on Amazon after a mediocre day and order an aromatherapy diffuser so your friends think you’re happy. Order different essential oils. One will be named ‘breathe right’. Laugh because you’ve forgotten how to breathe and it’s been so long since you’ve had the chance to exhale. Use the oil once and watch their boxes gather in dust behind your notebooks and planners where all of your life goals and checklists are buried.
Take Instagram pictures of trees that make you dizzy when you think of how tall they are. Take pictures of your new hair color and promise yourself that this is the start of something big. Something new. Something better.
Spend too much money on sparkly things that promise to make you feel beautiful. Buy red lipstick even thought it doesn’t make you look like Marilyn Monroe. Buy more highlighters because no one will know you’re suffering if you’re glowing and shining right?
Stay up until 3 am. Not because you want to, but because your mind won’t turn off. Pretend that it’s a good thing. That maybe you’ll do more work now! Write a mediocre article an hour later. Pop a valium and spray your lavender and chamomile scented bottle all over your bed sheets and pretend that you’re relaxed.
You’re chill and calm and collected. You have it so together. You’ve got this. At least that’s what you tell yourself. To keep the monsters at bay.
But deep down you know, you’re not the chill girl. You never will be. Lavender makes you sneeze. White sheets and pillowcases get stained so easily. You make your bed but sometimes that’s all you can do in a day. You take your pills and you will them to take this anxiety away from your head. To take this constant rush of traffic out of your mind.
Turn on your sparkly nightlight and drink your bedtime tea and take the melatonin that promises you a good night sleep. Close your eyes and try to think of good thoughts. Of apple picking and pumpkin spice lattes. Think of your accomplishments and all that you have gotten through.
Toss and turn and turn some more.
Know that you are loved. Know that you aren’t alone.
Look forward to your next therapist appointment. Look forward to unboxing and unloading all this heaviness off of your chest. Look forward to Australia. To the future. To a better day tomorrow.
Know that this is only a day. That this is only a week or two, or a month or even a year. But it is only temporary.
You’ll get better at this ‘life’ thing soon enough. I promise.