I’m ready to fall in love and honestly, I think I have been for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I adore being single. I’m perfectly content being on my own, and the independence and freedom it brings me is priceless. But, as humans, we need companionship. And is it so bad to want it for myself too?
I keep teetering on the tightrope of wanting to be completely independent, to wanting love so desperately. I keep changing my mind, wanting to be okay by myself. Wanting to show myself that I am capable of being single for a long time and wanting to prove to myself that I am strong.
But then I see people walking down the sidewalk completely immersed in their own world and I feel a twinge of sadness. And I see my friends giddily in love, so damn happy, and I am in awe.
I think I’m so terrified of love because I don’t want to lose myself in the process of falling. I don’t want to get hurt after all this time of building myself back up again. I don’t want to lose my love…for myself.
And I know I can be just as strong in a relationship. I can be just as strong in love. I can be just as strong falling, even though it’s terrifying. Even though it’s paralyzing.
It takes strength to completely let yourself fall. It takes so much bravery and courage, and sometimes I worry I don’t have it yet. I have so much still to learn and to experience. I have my own life to figure out. I have my career to figure out. I have my friendships to figure out. Won’t a relationship just complicate everything?
But then I see a couple drinking lattes together, holding hands in the summer heat, and I completely forget all my hesitations. All my question marks and worry lines clear. All my ‘what ifs’ go out the door. And I realize that all anyone wants in this world is to love and to be loved back.
It doesn’t make you weak. Falling in love makes you strong. It makes you smart. It makes you fearless. And I think, I want to be fearless too.
I can’t hide myself from the world in fear of getting hurt. I can’t hide myself from people, just to go home alone for the hundredth time. I can’t keep bottling up these worries and thoughts about all that I could potentially lose if I gain love.
What is there to do in this world if all you are going to do is shelter yourself? What’s the point in being here if all I am going to do is shake with fear and anxiety and worry? What’s the point in breathing, if I can’t even open myself up to the prospect of falling in love again?
So maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s time to stop being so afraid. Maybe it’s time to start loving, instead of hiding. Maybe it’s time to give myself all that I deserve. And maybe, just maybe, it’s time to fall headfirst without a parachute.