Sometimes, my anxiety makes me think I’m unlovable.
I know I deserve love. I know I deserve to find my person. I know I deserve the best guy, and the best of friends and an amazing life. I know I am worth great, big, life changing love. And I know someone deserves to be loved whole heartedly by me. But then my anxiety starts talking and doesn’t shut up.
You see, logically, I know someone out there won’t care that I have to take a tiny blue pill every day. And I know someone out there won’t mind taking care of me if I feel a panic attack coming on. At least, I’d like to hope.
But you see, anxiety is a funny thing. It likes to trick you. It likes to drill a hole in your mind, to make all your good thoughts go out the window. It likes to play games. It likes to taunt and laugh at your silly little fantasies.
But love isn’t silly to me.
I’ve been loved before. I’ve been in love. And I know it’ll happen again. I have to know that it will happen again, instead of just hoping that it will. I have to tell myself that it’s guaranteed and whisper to myself that I am worth it.
Because my anxiety turns the guaranteed thoughts into maybes. And it turns permanent into semi permanent. And it turns my hope into dust. And no matter how happy I am and no matter how much I love myself and love my life, anxiety doesn’t care. Anxiety doesn’t care how happy I am or confident I am. It doesn’t give a crap about my heart.
All it wants is for me to question everything. For me to dissect every conversation and turn it into a catastrophe. All it wants is for me to sway even when there’s no wind blowing. All it wants is for me to run, even when there isn’t a monster chasing me.
I know that anxiety does not define me. And I know that anxiety isn’t something that can overtake me. I know that I am more powerful than the thoughts it puts in my head. But sometimes, on some days, I give up. I give up on finding anybody. It’s easier to just let go. It’s easier to just stop. It’s easier to just let life take the wheel.
But, I have to remember that love is worth it. That love is worth searching and fighting for. That love will find me. That love will conquer all the thoughts that make me feel unworthy. And I have to remember that I am lovable, no matter how much my anxiety wants to make me feel like I’m not.
I have to remind myself that it will happen. When it is meant to. When it is right. And one day, I’ll find someone who won’t mind my shaky hands and breathless whispers. One day, I’ll find someone who will nourish my droughts and dark clouds. One day, I’ll find someone who loves me for me. Anxiety and all.