Anxiety is a terrible terrible disorder to have when you want to be the best person you can possibly be. It makes you feel like the worst friend, the worst partner, the worst daughter, and the worst person. And it never lets you off the hook.
Anxiety makes me feel like I can never say ‘yes’ to plans. It overwhelms me with to do lists and unchecked boxes in my brain that tell me that I can never relax. It’s always making me sprint to the finish line, and run until my legs go numb.
Anxiety is always telling me to go, go, go.
It never lets up. It never cuts me slack. It never goes easy on me. All it does is make my mind race with questions and ‘what if’s. All it does is trash my mind with scenarios and ugly thoughts. All it does is tell me I’m not good enough. And that I’ll never be a good enough friend to my loved ones.
I’m terrible at making plans and actually following through with them. Because the second I start getting my life back on track, and wanting to spend time with the people that I love, anxiety attacks.
It reminds me that panic attacks happen out of nowhere, and to be safe I should just cancel. It reminds me that I don’t enjoy first dates, so I probably wouldn’t enjoy the one planned for tomorrow either. It reminds me that my life is a never ending cycle of worry. It reminds me that my anxiety is here to stay. It reminds me that I’m not worthy of having great friends and great relationships — because who would want to be friends with someone who could have a panic attack at the drop of a hat?
Who would want to be friends with someone who constantly bites their nails without even realizing it? Who would want to be friends with someone who sometimes feels like they can’t breathe and gasps for air like a fish on land?
Who would want to be friends with someone who can’t even stick to a plan or to a date? Who would want to be friends with someone who would rather sleep than go out on a Friday night? Who would want to be friends with someone who cancels more than they say ‘yes’?
I know it’s just in my head. I know I can’t help this. It’s how my brain was born. It’s how it will always be. And I know my true friends understand. They get it. They don’t get mad when I cancel on them. They don’t boil up when I freeze them out.
But sometimes I wish I could be ‘normal’, you know? I wish I could say yes of course, without any hesitation. I wish I could pick up phone calls without a sense of dead. I wish I could answer unknown phone numbers. I wish I could go out twice on a weekend without wanting to crawl back into bed.
I wish I could be the friend that they all deserve. I wish I could give them what they give to me. My 150% every damn day.
I wish I could be the friend that they need. And be the friend that anyone would want.