We break up now using silence. We break up now putting our heads down, and turning our phones on. We break up now by not wanting to get closure, in fear of confrontation. We break up now, by pretending they never existed.
We break up now by trying too hard to forget.
We use the vices that we know will serve us well. We drink until we blackout. We do more shots to kiss lips we will never tell our secrets to. We smoke till our lungs don’t feel so hollow anymore. We talk until our friends kindly tell us to shut up. We eat the worst things for us, to fill the void. To fill the pain. Chocolate. More wine. More drugs. Anything to fill it. To fill up all the emptiness.
We do everything in our power to sugarcoat the sting. To cover up the sadness and grief. To tell everyone around us that we’re ‘fine’.
We go on road trips and travel to different cities, hoping that the prettiest Instagram pictures will take away the hurt. Hoping that at the very least, we can look like we are ok. Praying that the world won’t ever know the truth. That the world won’t know how much we are dying inside.
We don’t know how to properly feel anymore. We don’t know how to go about our days when we feel so utterly sick with sadness. We don’t know how to hurt. So what do we do? We bottle it up. We fake smiles. We play pretend.
And all the while our heads are spinning. Our lips are broken and chapped, dehydrated from this terrible loss. Our hearts are filled with tears and with dried up flowers. Our hands shake from withdrawal. Our bodies are feeling everything we don’t want to ever escape from our mouths.
Our bodies are feeling everything we don’t want anyone else to see.
We have become so used to nodding our heads and grinning. We have become so accustomed to worrying about everyone but ourselves. We have grown so used to never letting the pain be seen. To never letting our hearts grieve, the way that they are supposed to.
We don’t know how to breakup anymore. Because we don’t know how to feel. We’re too scared. Scared that if we feel too much, we may not ever be the same. Scared that if we break too much, we may not ever be able to stand again. Scared to admit that we loved someone. And to admit that we lost them too.
People ask us, why are you so afraid of love? Why are you so afraid of dating? And it’s because we don’t want to feel that much. We don’t want to hurt that much. We don’t want to have to break open and build ourselves back up all over again.
We don’t want to have to die, and breath again, our lungs collapsing with the loss of it all.