Saying goodbye to someone you love, will always feel like a death in your life. Like there’s a big, black hole in the middle of your heart and your being. And when you have anxiety, this hole just spreads wider and wider.
When you lose someone when you have anxiety, your nervous habits will heighten. Your tendencies to retreat with multiply, and your anxiety will sky rocket.
This person used to be your rock. They used to be the one to stop all the panicking and the fretting. They used to be the one to stop the madness that would take over your mind. They used to be the one to catch your tears as they fell, and to dry your red and itchy eyes.
This person was the only person who really understood.
So when you lose this human being, your life can become really scary. You don’t remember how you dealt with everything before you had this person in your life. You won’t remember how to deal with it on your own. You won’t know how.
At first you are going to suffer and grieve like you have never done before. You are going to feel like you are going insane, like you are just slipping further and further into darkness. And you won’t know how to climb out of the hole by yourself. You won’t even know how to stand up with your own two feet.
You are going to have days where you don’t want to go on anymore. Where you just want to give up, because life without this person is just too damn hard. It’s just too damn hard. But you have to keep going.
Because you need to prove to yourself that you are worthy, without another person by your side. You need to prove to yourself that one day, you’ll be able to take care of yourself.
You aren’t going to be ok right now. You aren’t going to feel like trying or crawling. You aren’t going to want to get out of bed, or to talk to anyone. Your anxiety is going to enclose you in its casket of whispers and thoughts and you’re going to be trapped for a little while.
But anxiety doesn’t have the power. You do.
So little by little, step by step, you’re going to have to start to put up a fight. It’s not going to happen quickly or swiftly. And it’s not going to be a walk in the park. But, one day you will wake up and you will want to see the sun instead of shutting the blinds. One day, you are going to want to catch up with a friend, instead of hiding away in your room.
One day, for a second, you won’t remember what you have lost.
Time isn’t going to make all the hurt go away. And it’s not going to make your anxiety go away. But you will learn how to deal with it, without him. You will learn how to soothe your beating heart on your own. You will learn how to stop a panic attack from happening, by yourself. And you will learn how to be ok, on your own.
It won’t be easy. It’s going to be really, really hard. But once you get to a place where you are ok on your own, you won’t ever go back to that darkness. You won’t ever go back to the loss of hope. You won’t ever go back to hating yourself.
You aren’t going to always be ok. You aren’t always going to know how to deal with your ticks and how to stop anxiety from manifesting in your mind. But, you will know that you won’t need anyone else. And what a miracle that is.
And when that happens, no matter how bad your anxiety becomes, you will always, always find the light no matter how small the crack is. And no matter how tired your lungs are, you’ll always get back to place where you can finally breathe again.