When I met you, I felt the spark immediately. I remember once in early fall, you touched my thigh under the table and my heart dropped to my feet. I felt everything all at once when you put your hands on me. And when you kissed me, every negative thought in my life melted away.
I knew we had something. Maybe it was lust, maybe it was loneliness, or maybe for a little while, it truly was love. I can’t tell anymore because it’s been so long. Everything is hazy now.
Maybe at the beginning, we could’ve been something more. Maybe we could’ve had a glimpse into the future. But towards the end, all we were, were two bodies that wanted to be together. And our hearts were silent. Our hearts were cold.
I think I wanted to love you more than I ever could’ve. I wanted to make you smile, to hear your laugh, and to see your eyes light up when I walked into the room. I wanted to be the person who could lift you up when you needed me. I wanted to be ‘your person’.
But you only let me in halfway. You only let me in to your hallway, not into you whole house. And you only let me into half of your heart.
I wanted so desperately for us to be on the same page. I wanted the future that we talked about and the cuddle sessions on the couches. But after a while, our food went stale and our conversations turned dark. Our hearts that once lit up like christmas trees, turned a shade of blue.
It wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t mine.
Maybe our bodies were too in sync for our hearts to be on that same level of intensity. Maybe our bodies were too powerful, for our hearts to ever catch up. I think I really loved it though. Us. The idea that we would actually make it. The idea that maybe, just maybe, you’d be the one to make my sadness disappear. The idea that I could love someone.
I think I just loved the idea too much. I was so obsessed with the concept and with the blurriness of it all, that I never really got a chance to know the real you. So yes, maybe I loved parts of you. Maybe I adored seeing you smile and seeing you happy.
But I think I loved being with someone, rather than being with you. And I think I loved the idea of you, rather than the actual you.
For that, I am so sorry. For that, I know I was wrong. It was unfair, and I was unfair.
I hope you’re living it up without me. I hope you smile more without me. I truly hope you are in love with someone who makes you a hell of a lot happier, than I ever could.