Thought Catalog

This Is How You Lose Yourself In Love

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Jenny Woods
Jenny Woods

You don’t see it coming when you do. You never think that a boy like that could change you. You never think one person could rearrange your whole world. But he did. And you will never be the same.

It happens so slowly, that you barely notice it. You don’t see how bright your eyes have become. You don’t see how easily your smile comes through when you are with him. But after months of this, your friends start scowling at you under the winter pine trees. You start ditching them for him. You leave their events early to be able to hold him close. You leave your friends out in the cold without a thought. Because you aren’t thinking.

Your love is so strong, that you don’t see anyone else.

You don’t see how hurt your friends are. You don’t see how worried your parents are. You don’t see the glare of your sister as you blindly fall harder and harder for a boy who keeps saying ‘forever’.

You get defensive when anyone mentions this to you. They tell you, you are spending too much time with him. They tell you that you need your space. They tell you it isn’t healthy. And they remind you he is leaving soon.

Still you hold on tight to his hand amidst all of the scowls. You still kiss him with every fiber in your being bursting with joy. You still hug him and feel yourself touch heaven. You still love with him all of your heart. You love him with every single cell in your body.

But what you don’t know, is your identity isn’t yours anymore.

The truth is, you don’t know who you are without him. You can’t imagine how you survived this world without him next to you. You don’t remember what life was like before meeting him.

And you don’t want to ever be in a world, where he isn’t in yours.

But then he leaves for another country and you go to college. You don’t recognize yourself in the mirror. You are a shell of the bright eyed girl you used to be. He isn’t here with you. He is a thousand miles away and you don’t know what you are like without him anymore. You don’t know what you’re supposed to feel.

Eventually, the relationship will dissolve and hit a dead end. And then you will be left alone to pick up the pieces on your own. You’ll be left alone to rehash old friendships and repair broken relationships with your family members. And then you will have to find yourself again after losing more than half of who you were. You’ll have to figure out who the hell you are without someone else standing besides you. 

I promise are going to find yourself again. You are going get to a place where you can stand on solid ground and not waver when the wind tries to knock you again. And now you finally know, you’ll never lose yourself for a boy ever again. TC mark

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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