1. The denial.
You are 99% sure that this is a mistake. OR maybe it’s a joke? You double text him, telling him how HILARIOUS he is being. When you don’t get a reply, you call him up. Maybe he’s just in the bathroom? A really, really long bathroom trip. Still no reply from him. WHAT IF HE DIED?
2. The tears.
Ok maybe this isn’t a joke…? And what if he did die? Cue the sobs that wake up your roommate in the middle of the night. She asks if there is anything she can do while staring at you bewildered and silently judging the f*** out of you. You scream at her to get you tissues and throw your phone at her while she runs away.
3. The hysterics.
If your roommate wasn’t afraid of you before, she definitely is now. You start cursing and yelling at every inanimate object you can find in your room, asking the universe WHY THE HELL THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU. You start throwing a tantrum that only toddlers look cute doing. Your roommate definitely called security by now.
4. More hysterics.
You tell all of your best friends to come over and tell you how much of an ass he was anyways. They bring you that Ben & Jerry’s ice cream you have been eyeing for a while, and you start crying again because HE LOVED ICE CREAM. Your friends wisely give a few glasses of wine and maybe a valium to calm you the heck down.
5. Wine drunk.
By now you are plastered from this cheap wine your friends got you, and you can’t stop laughing/crying. Your friends take control and start deleting all your conversations with ‘ he who must not be named’ and erase his entire presence off of your social media accounts. They tell you they never liked him anyway. They give you more wine. You feel a little better.
6. The subtweets.
Now that you are done crying your face off, you can now subtweet the crap out of this guy. Your friends QUICKLY erase all those sad Taylor Swift lyrics from your twitter feed that you posted an hour ago.
7. Dance time.
Now that your friends are all drunk off of their minds too, they start telling you about how much they think he sucked. They also tell you that you were SO out of his league. Basically, you are Beyonce and he is Jay Z (minus the marriage part). You dance to ‘Single Ladies’ with your besties for two more hours while accidentally spilling red wine all over your white carpet. Finally, when you are ready to pass out, they tell you that you are better off without him. Maybe it’s the wine, maybe it’s your friends, but somehow, you believe them.
You will probably feel like shit in the morning and for a little while after, but at least you have your friends by your side. And at least you’ll always have Beyonce to dance to.