No matter how far I go, no matter how long it’s been, and no matter how happy I am, you’re in my head. And on my mind. Whether I like it not, and whether I realize it or not.
I dreamt of you last night. When I woke up, I was reminded all over again of what I used to have, and what I ultimately lost. I was reminded of the love you had for me, and the undying love I will always have for you. It reminded me that despite my attempts to erase you, the scrubbing will never, ever take the stain out.
Your stain will always be marked proudly on my skin. Like wine on my bedsheets, and bleach on the cold hardwood floors I walk on, you will always remain.
You will always be my permanent mark. My tears have already tried to wash you away, trust me. Nothing works.
I can go months without a single thought of you. I can go days without smelling your familiar scent and days without craving your tender touch. But then, I sleep. And my subconscious keeps me on my toes. It brings you in, through waves, and you are flowing out to me, once again. When I see you in my dreams, I’m never startled. I’m always at ease, and I forget that I’m dreaming. It’s almost as if time didn’t change a thing for us.
When I dream of you, I always think it’s real. And my insides are filled with so much joy, I don’t think my lungs even have the capacity to hold that amount of happiness before they explode.
When I dream of you, the same thing always happens. At first we stare at one another, unsure of what to say, and how to feel. But then, you tell me you’re here, because you had to tell me something. You look at me, almost frightened of what my reaction will be.
You tell me, “It’s always been you. And that has never changed.”
I don’t know why I keep dreaming up the same dream. I don’t know why you always say the same line, that makes my heart leap out of my chest.
But when I wake up, and I lie there, gutted, and in shock, it’s because for those minutes, I thought it was real. I thought it was all real.
Maybe our dreams are what we want the most to hear from the people we have lost. Or maybe it’s just the way our brain tries to cope with everything. I don’t really know what the point is. But, what I do know is that, I will probably always dream of you. And I will probably always want you to say those words.
You don’t know me anymore. And I don’t know you. You are just a snippet of my life embedded in my brain, like a scar that won’t ever fade. You are just a string of memories that won’t ever end. And that’s ok with me.
Because although I can’t see you in real life, and you have moved on with another girl, at least I will always see you in my dreams. Forever, in my head, wherever I go.