I’ll Forever Want You, But I’ll Never Need You

James Chororos
James Chororos

I used to need you. I needed you to survive, to breathe without feeling like I was going to choke. I needed you to walk without having to stand with my two arms out, trying to keep my balance. I used to need you for my oxygen. The trees never were enough. I used to need you for my sanity. Therapy was never enough. Not even Zoloft could mask the loss of you.

But, time is a funny little thing. Time helped me let go of you a little. Time saved me from your overdose. Time pulled the blinds against you, so I didn’t have to smell your scent everywhere I walked.

It helped me realize that even though I still wanted you, I didn’t need you anymore.

My lungs are clearer now. My chest isn’t heavy with your weight on it. I don’t grow tired at 6pm every night anymore. I feel freer. I feel steadier.

But make no mistake, I still want you sometimes. I long for the days we used to spend getting drunk off of nothing but each other. I long for the days where the butterflies in my stomach exploded every time you kissed my cheek.

I long for the days where you saying “I love you” was my favorite sound and my favorite three words to hear.

I miss the days of endless summer nights and watching fireflies with you in the midnight heat. I miss seeing you smile just because you were with me. I miss the love you gave me. I never asked for it. You just always had it in you.

I wish on some days, that I could get that feeling back. The feeling that I truly belong with someone. The feeling that looking for “The One” was over. The feeling that you were my forever. The feeling that I found my forever so early in life. The feeling of relief. Of clarity.

But that feeling hasn’t happened since you, my love.

That feeling is foreign to me now. But it’s ok. I promise. I’m on my own now, but I’m not lonely. I’m on my own now, but I’m not sad. I’m truly, truly happy. I’m growing and changing everyday. I’m learning more and more about the world with each new season that passes. I started over. I began again.

I’m happy. But, that doesn’t mean that some nights I don’t miss you. Because I do. I always will. I’ll always wonder how you are doing and wonder if some nights you think of me too. I’ll always wonder if there is some small chance that you feel the same way. I’m just glad I don’t need you anymore. And I know I’ll never need you again. The trees do just fine by themselves. I’m finally free from your injections. I’m finally free from the drug that was always you.  TC mark

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