I’d like to pretend that I never let a bad boy touch me, that I never let a guy I barely know make me cry and that I never got played by a guy who I spent the night with. But, sadly, I have fallen for those games, and I’ve lost them all without so much as a kiss goodbye.
I’ve always thought of myself as a “relationship person”. I never let guys in who only wanted to only “hookup” with me, but along the way, the lines got blurred and the mixed signals I received resulted in a blind hope that things would be different this time. And I thought that the boy who I laid next to in the dark, or the boy who told me I was beautiful, and the boy who sat next to me in my English class, would want me like I wanted them.
On my twenty-first birthday, I remember being elated when the boy I had a huge crush on me bought me drinks. Then, we walked hand in hand through the snow back to his place. I remember feeling nervous, excited, and the butterflies in my stomach were fluttering like they hadn’t done in a while. I kissed him as I left his house, smiling on the walk home thinking about how wonderful he was. I woke up to a message from him telling me he “didn’t do relationships. Ya dig?” No, I didn’t “dig.” He played me big time. There was no other way to put it.
In my Junior year of college, I developed a humongous crush on a guy that I thought was your typical “nice guy”. I saw no reason not to trust him. He was charming, sweet and always showered me with compliments. I was hooked. Especially, after he looked at me straight in the eyes telling me I was beautiful and that he was so thankful he had met me. But this story is no different than the one before him. I woke up to a text a few weeks later telling me that his feelings had changed. He liked someone else. I remember feeling defeated. I cried in my bed, wondering what the heck I did wrong and wondering what had made him change his mind.
I thought it was me that caused the loss of him. But really, it was him. And it was his loss.
The boys that have played me, regardless if it was intentional or not, broke me for a little bit. They made me feel as if I had done something wrong. I kept thinking that maybe if I had slept with them, then it might have have made a difference. Or maybe if I had texted them less, then they would’ve liked me more. But, slowly I have realized that I had done nothing wrong. These dumb boys didn’t know what they wanted, and thought that they could have their cake and eat it too, they thought it would be fine to mess with someone’s heart.
But, the jokes on them now. It’s funny to think about how much I cared for someone who didn’t have the decency to say how they felt about me in person. It’s funny to think about how these guys still attempt to talk to me and snapchat me, and I now have the power to ignore them.
To the boys who have played me, thank you for teaching me that I am worth more than you will ever be.
Thank you for teaching me that I have more heart than you will ever have. I am stronger because of you and I feel freaking empowered. Thank you for making me realize that I am better than dating a guy who won’t even answer a phone call. Thank you for teaching me how to love myself and not care if you ever did or not.