I Don’t Hate You, I Hate That I Still Love You

Julian Bialowas
Julian Bialowas

I don’t hate you. How could I? I don’t think I ever could, to be honest. With all our history and with all of our memories, I’m incapable of hating you. With all of our words spoken, our letters written, and our million “I love you’s” that we screamed, I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever hate you.

I just hate that I still love you.

It’s hard to even feel my fingers type this. It’s like the bones in my body still don’t want to accept it either. It’s been so many days, yet, I still think of who we used to be. Of who you once were when you were with me. I still dream of you. And when I do, I spend the whole rest of the day wondering where you are and what you’re doing now. 

I bet you are telling someone else you love them. And I bet you mean it. That’s the saddest part. Is that you really truly mean it.

But, you meant it when you said it to me too.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to try to win you back. Or try to smash thoughts of me into your head. I’m not going to come up with some devious plan to fly to where you are. I’m done with pretending there will ever be a “you and me” because I know there never will be again.

I just hate that you are still wired in my brain. I hate that I write about you all the time. I hate that when you tell me about her, I get jealous. I hate that I have to walk by the place we had our first kiss almost everyday. And I hate that I hate it.

I wish I could feel like a normal human being. Don’t normal people move on faster? Do they move on for good? Do they forget the past? I bet they don’t dream about their past lover. But maybe, that’s because they didn’t have a normal love.

What we had wasn’t normal. It was crazy. It was an addictive, over the top, I can’t live without you, type of love.

I try to convince myself sometimes that I don’t love you. I guess it’s true in some way. I’m not in love with you anymore. I don’t love who you are now, because I barely know you.

But, I do know that I still love the you who loved me.

And I love the you who treated me like gold. And I love the you who cried when you left me.

I don’t hate you for leaving. I don’t hold a grudge on you. I don’t hate that you’re with someone else. I just know that I’ll always carry love for the person you once were. And the person who never would’ve let me go.

Thank you for making me always feel safe. Thank you for loving me through so many years. And thank you for letting me love you so hard, that I could never ever hate you. And thank you for loving me so damn hard, so I could always love the guy you used to be. TC mark

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