Lately I’ve been seeing a constant surge of articles that supposedly give advice to fellow adults on how to “adult” correctly. But the truth of it all is that “adulting” freaking sucks. It’s not cute, it’s not fun, it’s just a fancy way of saying, “F***, now that I’m 23, I need to make it seem like I have my shit together!”
So here’s an actual guide on how to fake it till you make it. You’re welcome.
1. Buy a crap ton of plants for your apartment, in order to hide the fact that your wallpaper is peeling off all of your walls.
2. Make sure to bookmark Tumblr on your computer so you have easy access to ask strangers how aesthetically pleasing your bedroom is.
3. Stalk Etsy for cute signs that will provide words of encouragement like, “Don’t worry be happy”, so your parents will be assured you are in fact happy.
4. Throw wine and cheese parties at least once a month to make your friends think you make enough money to actually afford decent cheese (In reality, it’s actually just cut up pieces of string cheese.)
5. Before you invite a boy over to your place make sure to hide all of your stuffed animals that you sleep with at night.
6. NEVER forget to make up your bed every single morning. This will completely reassure you that you’re a grown up and you have complete control in your own life.
7. Make sure to handpick flowers every other other day and display them around your place. Your friends are going to be like, “Wow, she’s classy as f***.”
8. Only drink your coffee and tea from a personalized mug with your initials on it to make people think you’re freaking posh.
9. Get a puppy or a teacup pig to make your life even more adorable and perfect just like them.
10. Post advice articles from Thought Catalog on your social media pages at least once a week, so your mom doesn’t worry about your mental health.
11. Download meditation apps on your phone so when people ask you how you’re so calm and collected all the time, you’ll seem like a bohemian mindful goddess.
12. Before your company arrives, light candles, put your hair up in a messy bun and lay a yoga mat down to make it seem like they interrupted your daily yoga session.
13. Make sure your takeout of choice is never Taco Bell and is always “that fancy Thai place up the street.”
14. Always sleep in a matching set of pajamas. Silk is preferred.
15. Only post a Instagram selfie once every three months when your makeup is positively on “fleek.”
16. Only wear high heels on nights out no matter how much your toes are going to bleed. Trust me, you’re going to look so much like an adult.
17. Don’t send this article to any of your friends to assure them, that you figured out all of this stuff on your own.
18. Never forget to go apple picking every Fall to look like all those girls on Tumblr who effortlessly pick apples in sundresses.
19. Always, always walk around with a travel coffee cup in your hand. You’ll look more chic than Kate Middleton.
20. Never forget to snapchat yourself drinking tea to assure your followers you’re at peace with your life.
21. Post inspiring quotes to your Twitter feed once a day. You’re an adult now, you can’t just post pictures of puppies anymore.
22. Don’t get mismatched shampoo and conditioner. What kind of grown up uses different brands for their grown up locks? Shameful.
23. Brunch every Sunday is THE KEY to adulting. No one will second guess you after they see you out on a Sunday looking better than Jennifer Aniston eating a garden herb omelet. With a mimosa.
24. Only drink one glass of wine per night because as all the scientists say, red wine does the same for your heart as exercise would.
25. Buy yourself some kick ass, adult ass perfume. You’ll walk out the door with a swing in your step and you’ll smell like the flowery thirty year old woman you always aspired to be.
26. Take baths once a week and read a good book at the same time to make sure you’re cleansing your body and mind simultaneously.
27. When Taylor Swift comes on the radio, please refrain from screaming out in excitement and singing along at the top of your lungs. Girl, you’re better than that.
28. Lauren Conrad is your GOD. Am I right? #adultinggoals
29. Pizza is only acceptable when paired with champagne. Duh.
30. Make green smoothies every morning. With Kale. Because you’re freaking healthy. Gwyneth Paltrow would be PROUD.